One Of The Best Books On Love…
…is not written by Steve Harvey, Tyrese, Hill Harper, Ray-J, John Gray or even Greg Behrendt. It’s written by feminist scholar and writer bell hooks and it’s called Communion - The Female Search For Love.
She writes…
Nothing indicts female allegiance to patriarchy more than the willingness to behave as though the problems created by cultural investment in sexist thinking about the nature of male and female roles can be solved by women’s working harder. Women who cling to the notion that if they just simply change their behavior, then men will happily learn how to be more caring, are in denial. Their denial strengthens patriarchy, but it does not create a universe where women and men can love one another. Antipatriarchal thinking, which assumes that both women and men are equally capable of learning how to love, of giving and receiving love, is the only foundation on which to construct sustained, meaningful, mutual love.
I have read this quote many times over the years. I read the book seven years ago and then again this month. Whether single or in a relationship, I know that approaching the concept of being able to love (anyone, including self) cannot come from a deficit point of view that I am inherently flawed because I am a woman and thus, need to “work harder” to make someone love me, especially if their “love” is in fact benevolent domination.
If you do not feel that you identify with feminism because it may hinder you from “getting a man,” consider hooks’ words:
Many women have turned away from the feminist project of female self-actualization for fear they will be alone and unloved. The irony, of course, is that patriarchal devaluation of womanhood is far more likely to ensure they masses of women will remain alone and unloved.
And, if you think she writes about love while “blaming men” consider her words…
While I would not choose them as partners, I like some men I know who are sexist in their thinking, men who are liberal, benevolent, patriarchs, because I see other qualities in them that I value. This does not mean I accept or condone their sexism. Knowing that both women and men are socialized to accept patriarchal thinking should make it clear to everyone that men are not the problem. The problem is patriarchy.
And…
Learning to love our female selves is where our search for love must begin. We begin this journey to love by examining the ideas and beliefs we have held about the nature of intimacy and true love. Rather than embracing faulty thinking that encourages us to believe that females are inherently loving, we make the choice to become loving. Choosing love, we affirm our agency, our commitment to personal growth, our emotional openness.
Just sayin’…
“Making a relationship work” is not the same thing as being capable of love, both giving and receiving. Falling in line with patriarchal and sexist norms, also often known as “working at a relationship” (according to many male relationship “experts”) leaves many women unsatisfied and unloved, even when coupled.
There can be no love without justice.
