On The Fear Of Being Different: Childhood, Audism and Able-Bodied Privilege

I was afraid. My 3rd grade teacher, Mrs. Worthy, told my parents that there was something wrong with my hearing, or that it was not as good as it “should” be. I don’t remember exactly how it was phrased. I only know that I had to have hearing tests at school, and I was afraid.

I loved this teacher. She was an older Black woman who really nurtured her Black students and made us excited about learning. She was funny too. Whenever we would say “I’m done” she would say “what did you cook?” We would laugh and say, “Mrs. Worthy, I am finished with the assignment” and she would nod her head. She didn’t like us yelling out “I’m done!” I liked her so much that I felt betrayed that she thought that something was “wrong” with me.

As a little Black girl at a predominantly Black elementary school, I was familiar with the intraracial teasing that we did as children. Some of it was harmless. Some of it, upon reflection, revealed the impact of White supremacy, racism, sexism and misogynoir on young Black children. Were you light skinned enough? Colourism. Eurocentric beauty myths. Internalized racism. Were you thin enough but not too thin as a Black girl? Eurocentric beauty myths. Fatphobia. Did you begin to physically develop as early as the other girls? Misogynoir via controlling images of Black sexuality and hypersexualization of young Black girls because of the combination of racism and sexism. (Black girls are viewed and socialized as adult women because of this.) I didn’t want anything else to make me stand out. I didn’t want to be teased in a way that revealed young children’s ableism—learned from adults and a society where at the time the Americans With Disabilities Act had not even passed yet. Though people still do it now, back in the 80s when I was in elementary school, it was more common to call someone “retarded” and laugh it off. Even teachers would use that word at times, so I was afraid. I could hear…but apparently not well enough.

I passed the hearing tests, however. Even so, I remember when I started the 5th grade, my mom told my math teacher Ms. White that I have trouble hearing. Ms. White called me aside and said if I ever needed any “extra” help, to let her know. This offended me. There was nothing “wrong” with me and I did not need her help. This caused me to withdraw during class and my grades started to slip. They blamed this on my hearing. I felt even more annoyed. I decided to focus and bring my grades up. Meanwhile, one of the “popular” girls laughed and said “I thought you were supposed to be smart!” I thought, wow, they think I cannot hear well, and if I cannot, then I am stupid? I started focusing to prove them wrong. But after a while, it was just to prove it to myself that there was nothing “wrong” with me.

As a young child, I didn’t realize that ableism is bigotry and able-bodied people are complicit in the oppression of people with challenges. Audism is defined as “discrimination that is based on a person’s ability, or lack of ability, to hear. Because it does not directly affect the hearing community, it is not a form of prejudice that is often discussed. In many cases, people who are not deaf have not heard of audism and may not realize that this form of discrimination exists.” I just knew that I did not want people to pick on me beyond already being picked on for not being as light as the light skinned girls (though I was not considered dark skinned either, so I was expected to join the light skinned girls in picking on the dark skinned girls, while knowing my “place”), for not having long hair, for being too thin, and for not developing breasts/hips when others did. I was also picked on for attending a church more extreme than other girls; after a while, I couldn’t wear pants to school and I dreaded them seeing me wearing a lace prayer veil, which actually happened one day as was leaving church with my mom and one of my sisters. No matter how different I felt, I was always “middle level” popular. Not quite the dance team or light skinned girls; not quite outcast like very dark skinned girls or heavier girls. With all of this going on, I really didn’t want people to mock me if they thought I had a hearing problem.

The 6th grade was the last time that I had a school-issued hearing test. Again, I passed. I couldn’t figure out why my mom thought I couldn’t hear as well, at the time. Later on in high school years, I realized why. I daydreamed a lot. A LOT. All of the time. I tuned people out. I grew up in a large family in a small home (and often tuned my siblings out when I didn’t want to play) and men started street harassing me at 12 (I tried to tune out as they insulted me). I think my mother processed me ignoring everyone and almost dissociating from the world as a hearing problem. In reality, it was both.

Now in adulthood, I have trouble with low pitch sounds and I watch American films with the English captions on so that I don’t miss any of the script. I have to play my iPod above the midpoint in volume to hear lyrics properly. Even so, I can hear well enough without hearing aids. Further, I am not deaf. I still have able-bodied privilege.

According to the National Institutes of Health, about 2 to 3 out of every 1,000 children in the United States are born deaf or hard-of-hearing. 9 out of every 10 children who are born deaf are born to parents who can hear. Approximately 17 percent (36 million) of American adults report some degree of hearing loss. Hearing loss or deafness cannot be seen by the eye as some abilities can be; however, people are still judged, shamed and even lose opportunities because of this, even as legal protection under the law should prevent this. Worse, safety can be at risk.

A mutual follower of mine on Twitter mentioned that being deaf alters her experience with street harassment. Men assume she is ignoring them (without say, headphones on) and become even more belligerent and aggressive. I realized that of all of the street harassment experiences that I have endured for over 20 years, I never even thought about how they would react by assuming they’re blatantly being ignored in that way. The reveals my able-bodied privilege, despite both me and this mutual follow being Black women and enduring misognyoir via street harassment.

Obviously as a child, I could not have known then what I now know. I do know that my parents would have loved me regardless, even if I was not able to get by with the level of hearing that I have now. I wish I was not so afraid then when I was a child but when I reflect on it, I actually did have more courage than I thought. I navigated through a world that’s very complicated and painful for Black girls and Black women. And now, I’m committed to the intersectional perspective needed to fight oppression and check privilege.

I mess up sometimes though. I have said phrases like “blinded” in regards to someone not understanding a perspective or “fall on deaf ears” in regards to someone being willfully ignorant. These phrases are ableist, however, and I will continue to work to not use them.

I Don’t Want “Advice” On My Body From Men

About a week ago, I was in an elevator and a Black man that I didn’t know got on. He immediately asked me if I have eczema. (Remember when conversations started with “hello,” or the weather?)

I have had eczema, a medical condition, since childhood. I do get tiny breakouts on my neck whenever the temperature changes from winter to spring and then spring to summer. (Also, stress is a huge factor, and the stress of daily street harassment, has been an eczema trigger for me.) Now, I could have done the usual and ignore him as most of my time in public involves dodging and ignoring men (literally crossing the street, rerouting my paths etc. to try to avoid confrontations and street harassment). Seriously. This must be 80% of my time in public. I don’t want to be bothered. I DO NOT WANT TO BE BOTHERED.

Instead of ignoring him, I said, “yes I get breakouts; I talk to my dermatologist about it.” (In other words “I have a doctor, your ass ain’t her, so fuck off and die.”) He rolled his eyes and then told me I need to buy soaps at the wig shop. Now, Korean-owned wig shops in Black communities do have some soaps, but sadly, most of them are for bleaching/whitening skin, not curing breakouts. Further, nothing at a wig shop is going to be better than what a dermatologist provides, or even better, a natural remedy (which I’ve tried too). I walked off the elevator and kept walking, but in a different direction away from him, as he kept on talking.

Several weeks ago, a random Black man asked me for change for a twenty, but I didn’t have any small bills. I thought once I said “sorry, I don’t have any change” he would move on and ask someone else for change. No, he then proceeded to try to tell me “tips” for my natural hair, as I was wearing an afro that day. My afro is shiny, soft and luxurious. Further, why would I want a random man’s advice on my hair when his own was busted and crying for an edge? He obviously was not taking care of his hair, and even if he was, this still is no reason to begin to comment on a woman’s body, a woman he does not know from Eve. I turned around and put on my headphones.  (I don’t know what I would do without headphones.)

If I do discuss my hair, I discuss it with Black women and I am not interested in discussing it with anyone else. I alluded to this yesterday when I wrote White Women’s Racist Responses To Black Women’s Natural Hair. Now, I have had conversations about hair with strangers that I met the same day. However, these strangers are Black women, and they do not begin the conversation with insults or advice that I did not ask for. We talk about hair, our experiences and then share ideas or information. It never comes off as one trying to be an “authority” over another, or one implying that their advice is automatically superior and needed.

In the name of whatever deity they worship or don’t, I need Black men and White women to leave me alone, especially when it comes to my body. Both of them stand in oppressive positions in regards to Black women and beauty because of sexism/misogynoir and male privilege and White supremacist Eurocentric beauty myths and White privilege.

True, some stylists of Black hair are Black men or White women. However, again, they need to know when to speak. These two men I mentioned above were not physicians or hair stylists. Why would anyone think that they should be providing “advice” to random people they have no relationship with on a topic they have no knowledge on? The entitlement involved here is a product of privilege.

Related Post: The Beauty Binary, Street Harassment and Rape Culture

I Hate Nightclubs (They Feel Like Street Harassment To Music)

A couple of weeks ago on Twitter, I saw (through retweet) a tweet that mentioned that women who attend the club just to dance with their friends in a circle need to stay out of the club/stay home. Once again, an opinion shaped by male privilege reared its ugly head and demanded that women stay out of a socializing space that they paid to be at if they are not there for the sole purpose of dancing with men and/or finding someone to have sex with. This is not the first time that I’ve heard such a stance; the idea that the only purpose for nightclubs is for heterosexual foreplay and sex seems to prevail.

Despite loving to dance, I for one hate nightclubs now. I used to attend when I was in undergrad over 10 years ago. I loved reggae clubs then. I visited a few with hip hop DJ’s, but mostly reggae was my thing (or if the club had multiple rooms, I would spend most of the time in the reggae room versus the hip hop room; the few times in the latter, the harassment would escalate rapidly into fights). I would go get something cute (usually a breathable top, jeans or slacks and boots) to wear and head out with 1 to 3 women friends, also undergraduates. We simply wanted to go out and have fun and dance. Though some women choose (and it is their CHOICE too, not solely a man’s demand) to attend clubs to meet men, that was not my choice.

The harassment, insults, groping, and aggression can ruin a good evening with friends. Politely telling a man NO THANKS (to a drink, dance, phone number etc.) turned into me having to call a bouncer over to prevent a man from attacking me. This happened in my college years MANY times. Once I told a man that I didn’t want to dance so he slapped my friend’s hand when she put her hand in front of me to protect me. A bouncer came over and threw the man out. Once I told a man that I didn’t want to dance so he proceeded to ask a friend that I was with. When she told him no, the two no’s in row seem to truly upset him and he began to curse at her really loudly. Her hair is long and he pulled her hair. We began to fight him off. Bouncers tried to stop him. He continued to try to fight the bouncers. They dragged him outside. It went from 3 bouncers to 7. They had to use a taser on him. It started to look like a scene from The Exorcist. The police came. It was utterly ridiculous.

In these instances bouncers were helpful, but this was not always the case. Most (not all) bouncers are male and many of them also agree with the entitlement that makes them think that going to a club means that men have the right to say or do whatever the hell they want and it is a woman’s job to accept it. Sometimes bouncers were not of help. Sometimes we left the club before being hit or probably killed by some of the men there. (Several times I’d leave a club only to hear about a stabbing/shooting occurring 15 minutes or so after I left.) Conversely, there were times I went to the club and no men bothered us, or one asked to dance and was polite. These times were more rare, but one of those times that dance turned into a good male friend that I had for about 8 years.

One of the worst experiences I had was when I told a man “no thanks” and he calmly went away. I though, “oh good, no harassment!” However, TWO HOURS after this, I went outside to leave the club. As I proceeded to my car with my friend, the man SPED down the parking lot coming straight towards us. We were frozen. I now understand why some people don’t move out of the way when a car is coming towards them; it’s like your brain freezes so your feet don’t work. Anyway, he stopped short…perhaps 5 feet away if that. I could see his eyes. There was a bubbling hatred that looked far worse than anything I’ve seen during most street harassment incidents. I couldn’t understand why. Why did he think this was a reasonable response to being rejected for a dance? Entitlement. Male privilege. Patriarchal masculinity. He felt that the only way to regain “power” was by inciting fear. It was truly hateful and pathetic.

(I shared the aforementioned experience on Twitter a few weeks ago and someone asked me is my life Grand Theft Auto. Actually, I’ve had many experiences where men used their vehicles to aid street harassment; blocking my path to walk, blocking in my car so I cannot leave a place [had to call cops], swerving to try to hit me on the side of road, following me loudly while honking their horn, etc.)

After about age 21 (33 now) I quit clubs for many years. I didn’t visit one again until 2007 when I was visiting one of my sisters in Atlanta. We went to a nice club, a “grown folks” vibe and nobody bothered us. We had a nice evening with nice drinks and spent about an hour there. It was truly pleasant.

Around this same time, I started dancing salsa (Cuban, rueda de casino, and LA style On 1), bachata and merengue, and visited a few clubs (though I traditionally stuck to social dancing parties and salsa performances/salsa school anniversary parties) that played salsa music. Though I never confronted harassment as aggressive as my college years (or as life-threatening), I found that some of the cliquishness (based on marital status, dating status, complexion/hair texture colourism) was not to my liking. (In fact, this needs its own story for which I will write one day, but not today.) I haven’t been salsa dancing on a consistent basis since 2008.

I genuinely love good music and dancing. I made exceptions for the extroverted chaos of clubs (despite being an introvert) because I truly love these two things more than I despise extroversion. I loved them enough to still attend clubs for years in college despite knowing what harassment was going to await me there. I think I was able to muster through this because during college, the street harassment (that I’ve written quite a bit about on Gradient Lair) that I experienced simmered as long as I was on campus (male students rarely harassed me on campus; lucky I guess) versus off campus (all bets were off), so it somewhat balanced out with experiencing it on weekends at or near clubs. This is sad to even think about—the idea of “balancing” and knowing where I can go and how much harassment I will experience based on these choices.

At this point in life, I don’t really dance anymore. I might move my shoulders a bit when wearing my iPod in public or at home, but the experience of having a large dance floor, loud and good music and dancing with friends is something that does not exist for me. And, seeing someone suggest that women should not go to clubs if their reason for being there isn’t to be an object of interest for men truly disgusted me.

Women are constantly navigating where they can be or cannot be because of sexism and misogyny. Everything from skipping the club and no longer dancing because of the threshold of harassment to deciding and mapping out routes to take to “hope” for the least amount of street harassment are just everyday activities for many women, and it shouldn’t have to be this way. As long as men feel entitled to women’s bodies and lives, this continues.

Related Posts: When The Target Of Street Harassment Is Age 12-17 ,The Beauty Binary, Street Harassment and Rape Culture ,Street Harassment and Repeat Harassers

A Note To Some Feminist Black Men: Though bell hooks Is Exquisite, There’s More To Black Feminism Than bell hooks

bell hooks is one of the most exquisite, thoughtful, complex, intellectual, and compassionate Black feminist scholars of our time. She’s often the doorway to Black feminist thought for Black feminists, whether women or men, and even White feminists who seek to move beyond the writing of “mainstream” feminists and begin to commit to intersectional feminist scholarship. Her writing is probing and thoughtful and while like all writing, not above critique, it really helped to form part of the foundation of a lot of modern feminist scholarship. I’ve read quite a few of her books, essays, papers and have seen videos of her talks. I quote her often as well. She’s brilliant.

I also know that there is more to Black feminist thought than bell hooks alone. I sometimes wonder if some feminist Black men do.

I know that look that they get—that moment when they first start to realize that patriarchy and patriarchal masculinity are constructs and not fixed or “natural” ways of being. Some start to embrace the concept of anti-sexism and anti-homophobia and not just anti-racism. This is good. They read The Will To Change - Men, Masculinity and Love by bell hooks. They read We Real Cool - Black Men and Masculinity by bell hooks. They start to listen to Black women and consider Black women as truly human even beyond the idea of their connection to men as mom/sister/daughter/GF/wife. This is also good. But this only scratches the surface.

I know that “entry into Black feminism” look and vigor too. My pathway to womanist thought was via The Color Purple by Alice Walker, which I first read when I was 12. My mind was blown. Here was a complex portrait of Black girlhood/womanhood beyond the White gaze and shaped by a Black woman. Here was multiple depictions of Black womanhood with depth and complexity and challenging INTRARACIAL oppression of Black women in addition to interracial oppression. (At such a young age I was already force-fed the idea that intraracial oppression was non-existent—that racism was evil but that intraracial sexism, homophobia, misogynoir and colourism, for example, were “right” or “natural.”) This was new to me on paper though at this age, I was already experiencing street harassment by Black men yet faced racist and sexist oppression at school and intraracial sexist and misongyoirist oppression at church. I lived intersectionality long before I knew of it ideologically. My life changed forever after reading more of her writing. Another pivotal moment for me was when I first heard Queen Latifah’s song “U.N.I.T.Y.” as a freshman in high school. That song is a true womanist epistle. (I didn’t get into Toni Morrison until high school and bell hooks until undergrad for example, where her writing was like an adult doorway into more feminist thought; even so, I embraced Alice Walker first.)

Thus, I don’t dismiss that initial entrance or that book, concepts and/or person that causes an internal paradigm shift for a womanist/feminist. But even at 12 I knew (though I couldn’t articulate it at this level yet) that no one person should be treated as a mascot for Black feminist thought or have Black feminist thought affected by essentialism where any one person becomes what the theory and praxis is about. Even bell hooks would not want that and alludes to this in her writing.

When Black men reduce Black feminist thought to one author and need that to be their go to author, there’s a problem. Sure, we can all have authors/writers that we love (such as Alice Walker, Toni Morrison, Audre Lorde, Maya Angelou, Kimberlé Crenshaw, Patricia Hill Collins, Sonia Sanchez, Nikki Giovanni, Angela Davis, Sikivu Hutchinson and yep, bell hooks are for me) but Black feminist thought is not solely about famous names. Feminist praxis is not solely about pasting quotes from bell hooks on Twitter. Feminist writing is not only what is on Amazon from a formal publisher by the few who even get to that level of platform.

Anytime I challenge Black men who are interested in feminist scholarship to READ MORE and LEARN MORE than just bell hooks or even primarily bell hooks, I receive pushback. They go full into male privilege or bust mode. Some suggest that since she specifically addresses men at times, she’s “better.” Um…doesn’t this sound like Whites who need a White character (and even worse, a “hero”) in a Black novel before they can care or “relate” to the story? Privilege much? If they need a man on the cover of a book or masculinity and nothing else addressed in feminist scholarship, their feminism is not intersectional; they’re basically engaging in a reductionist approach, viewing feminist scholarship in print as elaborate self-help books and little more. Feminism cannot solely be about them proving how they’re “good” men. While I do believe that how we embody the oppressor within is where all feminist work begins, I also know that feminism is not about me “proving” how “good” of a woman I am.

The reality is if a feminist Black man cannot care about feminist scholarship unless they feel the writing is specifically for men only, or centered on masculinity from how they perform it versus how it impacts Black women, children, families and themselves, there’s a problem. This is not progressive. There is more to intersectional feminism than solely considerations of gender. Their feminism needs to be intersectional. While critiques about patriarchy are critical, where is their understanding of White supremacy, racism, sexism, colorism, misogynoir, misogyny, homophobia, transphobia, ableism, fatphobia, and more? It’s one thing to be new on the path and journey of feminism and simply not have embraced these topics…yet (though oppression is intersectional, so to only study patriarchy and masculinity without other axes of oppression is missing something huge). It’s another to assume that they have all of the answers to Black feminist thought because they are men who sometimes challenge patriarchal thinking and found a favorite author.

 A commitment to justice is MORE than about how they can personally be less patriarchal in their personal lives. It’s more than them reading and citing her books daily and then retreating to male privilege to either heavily critique women who haven’t embraced feminism at all yet (I loathe this; it’s like White atheists telling Black theists to reject theism because of slavery) or ignoring calls for them to check their male privilege by feminist Black women. Black men who engage in essentialism with bell hooks run the risk of doing what Whites do with anti-racism study by reading/quoting MLK and little to no one else. (This holds a special irony since Black women’s contributions to Civil Rights work is heavily marginalized/ignored by Whites and Black men quite often.) Doing this makes their profound work caricatures and gimmicks instead of tools to deconstruct and fight oppression.

The worst of all is the attitude that I’ve received from some feminist Black men—as if I should be “desperately” thankful for their existence and endlessly and daily applaud them for not being misogynist. Excuse me for not creating thrones—I could’ve sworn that’s something that occurs amidst patriarchal thinking, not anti-oppression, intersectional feminist thinking. The thing is, I do talk to feminist Black men, read their writing, share important dialogue and more. I recognize when they’re doing something interesting. I won’t worship them, however, any more than I will Whites engaged in anti-racism work. I won’t praise anything they do over those with the lived experience of the form of oppression they’re against. If an ally requires worship to be an ally, they aren’t an ally. Ally work needs to be noble without the incessant need for the praise of its nobility, otherwise it becomes about oppressed people applauding their oppressors, which is not revolutionary.

In the same way that I expect White feminists not to engage in essentialist thinking of Gloria Steinem, I expect feminist Black men not to engage in essentialist thinking of bell hooks.  While the journey into Black feminist thought by Black men matters deeply, intellectual laziness, essentialism, a lack of commitment to intersectional thinking/complete commitment to justice and male privilege will not be ignored, at least by me.

When The Target Of Street Harassment Is Age 12-17

When I don’t wear makeup and my hair is up in a ponytail afro puff, I experience somewhat different street harassment from when my hair is in a more “adult” style and I wear lip gloss, let alone makeup. Now, the patriarchal men who think street harassment is “flirting” (it’s not) will assume that these are men who like “real” women (read: they associate not wearing makeup with being willing to be more obedient to men, and thus “real,” or associate it with hypersexuality and independence, for which they cannot control; either way, misogyny and the politics of respectability are at play here) more than “fake” women who wear makeup.

It actually has nothing to do with this…at all.

The issue is that when I don’t wear makeup, men anywhere from 15-65 years old try to pick me up and it often devolves rapidly into street harassment, or it’s street harassment from the start (primarily with men 18-40).

I’ve had several teenage boys think I was a high school student whenever I was at a public library near a high school reading. This has happened a few times. I am assumed to be 16-18 on a regular basis. I am carded anytime I try to purchase scratch-offs or wine, where often the cashier assumes that I am 17. The point is, I easily look like a teen at times.

The street harassment in these incidents tends to be more sexually inappropriate than when I look my age, 33, because these men are SPECIFICALLY looking for teenage girls. Usually once I open my mouth, the way that I speak (the actual words used and my tone) and how I tell them to go away helps to reveal my age. They seem utterly…devastated or “tricked.” I, however, remain disgusted.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve experienced street harassment since age 12. The men who harassed me from 6th grade through 12th grade were THE SAME AGES as the men who harass me today. And though I experience more harassment overall now than when I was a teen, it is very telling how the harassment itself differs when I am presumed to be a teen versus an adult. It’s more sexual; more psychologically manipulative in intent. In many ways, it is actually worse and even more reprehensible when I think about what their motives really are.

I remember having a conversation with a few mutual follows on Twitter—about how I never really discussed street harassment with my parents. I endured this hell almost everyday in middle school and especially in high school. I dreaded walking home from the bus stop or walking home from school. My heart rate would increase just thinking about it. I had nightmares. What’s sad to me is not that I thought I couldn’t trust my parents (though my mother being highly religious and a past member of Black Apostolic churches where misogynoir was not only the norm but deemed “god’s will” was reason enough to feel fearful) with this, but that it seemed like some sort of truly sad and painful anti-Black woman “norm” and “rite of passage” where I grew up. Many girls that I knew though this was the ONLY way that men interact with women. They didn’t know anything different.

When I think about the fact that 60% of Black girls are sexually assaulted before their 18th birthday, the fact that most Black girls who become pregnant in their teen years have significantly older men fathering the children and that girls (just like adult women) bear the responsibility of what adult men choose to do, from street harassment to dating violence to sexual assault to rape, I get even more angry about this. This is rape culture. The same men who are spending their days hunting teens they do not know could be harming the ones they do know. In fact, the statistics reveal that some of them have to be.

Related Posts: The Beauty Binary, Street Harassment and Rape Culture, Race, Gender and Emotional Policing, On Being A Black Female Engineering Student: Street Harassment and Microaggressions At School, Street Harassment and Repeat Harassers

Read This Week

This is my 42nd Read This Week feature. Each week I recommend essays, articles and/or papers/journals that I’ve recently read. Below are some great reads:

Blanket “Don’t Go To Graduate School!” Advice Ignores Race and Reality? by @tressiemcphd is such an important read. She challenges the anti-grad school spiel that comes from White middle-class writers and educators who completely ignore the role of race and class in labor. What might be a useless credential or a not good enough job to them could be a markedly large step forward for a Black person coming from poverty. Education advice need not be “blanket” advice. GREAT read.

On Being Called Out My Name on Crunk Feminist Collective is a great read. While it is easy to tell someone to get over themselves if they want to be addressed as Dr. (in this case, a professor) the underlying sexist, racist, and classist issues as to why people find great difficulty doing this for a Black female professor versus a White male professor, for example, are telling. Great read; the comments also include some interesting perspectives and debate. I promise, the comments aren’t YouTube-like; they’re safe to read.

Street Harassment, Masculinity, and Impressing Other Dudes guest posted by Michael Denzel Smith on Feministing provides another perspective regarding street harassment; men engaging in it to perform patriarchal masculinity for other men, lest their sexuality be questioned. This reveals another link between misogyny and homophobia; as I’ve always said, they’re two sides of the same coin.

Stay tuned for next week’s suggestions!

The Beauty Binary, Street Harassment and Rape Culture

Street harassment, just like many other activities where men perform patriarchal masculinity, involves a binary where beauty is concerned. I tweeted about this today during a conversation about street harassment that I had with a Black woman, a mutual follow on Twitter:

@tmsharpley To be “pretty” is to “expect” harassment and to “not be pretty” is to “be thankful” for harassment, in a patriarchal society.

— Trudy (@thetrudz) April 10, 2013

The beauty binary places women at blame for men’s reactions to their appearance. If a woman is considered beautiful, she is supposed to accept that the burden of beauty is harassment. If she is not considered beautiful, she is supposed to accept that any comment at all can only be a gift. Notice the sexism (i.e. women are only valuable for their appearance) and misogyny (i.e. men have a right to say/do whatever the hell they want, no matter how aggressive or threatening, because of women’s appearance) involved in the beauty binary.

Beauty is subjective and transitional. It’s never a true absolute in a general sense and it is not in regards to street harassment either. At the same time, opinions on beauty are not arbitrary and can be shaped by stereotypes based on race or weight, for example. Certain constructions of beauty are inherently involved in street harassment situations. Since most (not all, but well over 90%) of the street harassment that I experience (and have for over 20 years) is from Black men, I will discuss the beauty binary in relation to them.

In regards to race, Eurocentric beauty dominates media and culture and impacts everyone. Thus, by design, I am already not considered beautiful to some Black men. They harass me from the angle that I am “not pretty” and should be “grateful” for their harassment, and view it as a “compliment.”  At the same time, some Black men treat White women with respect (but distance) as they walk by and only harass me as I walk by because they think that only Blackness is attractive, and thus I am “attractive” to them and should accept their harassment. (Historical factors are at play as well; Black men have a history of being beaten or lynched/murdered for even speaking to White women and worse, false or real claims of speaking to or raping them were death sentences. The message that speaking to them is a greater risk versus speaking to me is a factor; this coupled with the notion that Black women are inferior to White women and deserve less respect, is also a factor.)

In regards to weight, some Black men engage in street harassment against a curvier or heavier Black woman from the angle that she should be “glad” to be spoken to; conversely, some will engage in street harassment because they are sexually attracted to her because of this very shape/size, and make comments about her breasts, hips or butt. 

As many Black women can attest to, we can go from hearing “beautiful queen” or “aye sexy” (which I do not want to hear) to “fuck you, ugly Black bitch” (which I especially do not want to hear) in under 4 seconds. (And no, the former statements are not “nice.”) This again reveals the sexism and misogyny involved in the beauty binary and street harassment itself—the idea that the most/only important thing about us as women is our beauty so the most important thing to attack is our beauty. Since Black women by large are not deemed beautiful in mainstream media, we are expected to accept “any” declaration of beauty (or related comments) from Black or other men, even if we want to be left alone in public. (The idea that since mainstream media paints me negatively, I should accept harassment from Black men if they, not me, think the harassment is “positive” reveals an intersectional experience for Black women, where street harassment is concerned.)

Despite the existence of the beauty binary, the primary motivation for street harassment is not the attractiveness of women; it is POWER. This power is fueled by patriarchy, patriarchal masculinity, phallocentrism and the general entitlement that men have because of this that they do not even realize they have because of male privilege.

Many times when I am harassed, I am in poor areas (including where I grew up) and being harassed by Black men, who are also harassed by the police. This includes men who face great socioeconomic challenges and may detest racism but applaud sexism and misogyny, and cannot see how they are doing the latter because of male privilege. Their problematic stances on street harassment as “harmless” exist because it is in the interest of rape culture, and patriarchy by proxy, to make it seem this way. This hierarchical reclamation of power makes street harassment about more than attractiveness, obviously. However, most men are NOT going to admit to the facet of reclamation of patriarchal power and do not know that they are in fact performing patriarchal masculinity. They will say that they have every “right” to talk to a woman and it is her fault/she should expect it based on her attractiveness. They will acknowledge the beauty binary—and continue to place blame on women and their appearance. Clearly, it is much deeper than this.

Whether a woman is deemed “beautiful” or “not beautiful” men can view her appearance as permission to engage in whatever behavior they choose, while still placing accountability for this behavior in her hands, not their own. The beauty binary is such that men can ALWAYS have an excuse for street harassment, one that ignores their behavior, accountability and differences in reclamation/manifestation of power based on race and class. It really is a tangent to the even more problematic binary involving rape—that women who are considered attractive and/or “dress sexy” “deserve” or “ask” for rape and women who are considered unattractive or don’t “dress sexy” are just liars. Rape culture is such that men can always view street harassment as harmless and always view themselves as blameless.

I Don’t Like The Word “Unfeminist”

[TRIGGER WARNING: street harassment, rape]

I am not a fan of the word “unfeminist.” I see it used often by some feminists to call other women’s choices unacceptable because they do not meet the arbitrary definition of what the former thinks a “feminist” choice is—as if a choice type itself is what determines anti-oppression praxis, versus personal agency and the removal of social, cultural, structural and institutional barriers that prevent women from making choices for themselves.

The prefix un- means:

Absence of a quality or state. The reverse of (usually with an implication of approval or disapproval). A lack of.

The prefixes un- and non- both mean “lacking” or “not” but there is a distinction in terms of perspective. The prefix un- tends to be stronger and less neutral than non-.

Example would include “unacademic” versus “nonacademic.” The former is stronger language.

This is why this term “unfeminist” becomes incredibly dangerous. Notice the implication of approval/disapproval. Disapproval is inherent in the term “unfeminist.”

The problem with “unfeminist” is that it’s not a real concept in the first place, as it implies feminist absolutism as a destination, not the journey and praxis that it is.

This is not the same term as “anti-feminist,” which I ONLY use in reference to specific attacks on feminist theory and praxis, or on women who identify as feminist. (For example, an article I saw via Twitter, in a magazine in the UK mentioned how to “change” feminist women, and implied heterosexual sex “fixes” us. This is specifically misogynist, sexist, and homophobic, in addition to being anti-feminist.) Otherwise, the appropriate terms to use in regards to oppression against women include sexism, misogyny, misogynoir, homophobia, transphobia, racism, classism, ableism, sizeism or whatever terms speak to the specific situation at hand.

If an artist releases misogynist work, it’s not about him being “anti-feminist” at that point; it is about misogyny. (To say it is just anti-feminist is to imply feminist women are somehow more valuable than ones who don’t identify as feminist. Problem.) It might be about misogynoir, if specific to Black women. Women themselves > feminism. Feminism matters only in that it can provide women and men who are anti-oppression with a way to engage in critical reflection, deconstruct the oppression they face, name it, and educate themselves and others on anti-oppression praxis. The praxis itself and protection of it does not supersede women’s existences themselves. This is why it is important to name things to be able to speak about oppression, but also important not to allow said labels to further marginalize.

If a feminist does not understand why a heterosexual feminist woman might want to take her husband’s last name (and even the recent bruhaha about Beyoncé’s tour’s name speaks to this), and calls such a choice “unfeminist” without regard to context, she is actually engaging in an oppressive act. She is telling a woman what choice to make, versus supporting women having the agency to make choices without facing further sexism or abuse for that choice.

If a feminist does not understand why a woman does NOT want to have multiple sex partners or show her breasts in protests and calls such a choice “unfeminst” without regard to context, she is actually engaging in an oppressive act. (Imagine one feminist telling another [who is a rape survivor] to show her breasts at a feminist rally, and that demand actually functions as a trigger…) The myth that compulsory sexuality (H/T @adeerable for the term) is liberation is a construct of patriarchy, actually. Woman must have choice and agency regarding sex. They shouldn’t have to avoid sex to hope for “respect” in a patriarchal society, or engage in it, but not by desire, to appear “liberated” in a patriarchal society.

As I tweeted yesterday:

If patriarchal men demand being a “prude” for “respect” and some feminists demand fucking everyone for “liberation,” NEITHER are CHOICES.

— Trudy (@thetrudz) April 7, 2013

This would be like a feminist calling a woman a “prude,” a very patriarchal label. And, for Black women, @Karnythia explains why this is even more problematic:

40-60% of black girls are abused before 18. Talk about that + #streetharassment + #rapeculture when we call black women prudes.

— Mikki Kendall (@Karnythia) April 7, 2013

Further, the implication is more dangerous for Black women. We are already deemed hypersexual, regardless of actual behavior, where hypersexuality is “bad” or “immoral;” thus, how can a stereotype lauded on our heads be deemed “liberation” anyway, IF we are performing compulsory sexuality just to be what some deem feminist?

We have to be able to speak about imperialist White supremacist capitalist hetero-patriarchy, sexism, misogyny, classism, homophobia, transphobia, ableism, sizeism and more, or kyriarchy at large, WITHOUT behaving as if feminism involves “teams” where anyone doing anything that (usually) deviates from what a thin, middle-class, cisgender, heterosexual American/Western White woman who identitifes as feminist says is “unfeminist” has committed some unredeemable action and should be harassed for it. Replicating patriarchal binaries in feminist spaces is not revolutionary. If freedom isn’t CHOICE but solely doing what someone says or the opposite of what someone says, it ain’t freedom. It’s a binary.

Race, Gender and Emotional Policing

Do Black men understand that when they DEMAND that Black women smile and portray an unauthentic but submissive portrayal of “happiness,” it REEKS of what Whites used to (and in someways still do) to Blacks, forcing them to portray happiness or be punished as slaves, or force their eyes downwards (and accept being called “boy” if male) and avoid eye contact in order not to be considered disrespectful? It was about social control and dominance. Slavery and Jim Crow involved reinforcing psychological warfare through emotional policing in addition to the physical violence and institutionalized/structural racism.

It’s emotional injustice, in addition to being street harassment when they do it. They’re simply modifying the oppressors’ tools to make them intraracially gender appropriate instead of interracially appropriate. (Not to say that patriarchy doesn’t pre-date racism; it does, actually.) They’re demanding I alter my emotions and perform to please them for no other reason than to exhibit control.

Privilege is like that…always obscuring itself from its possessor. The same Black men who understand the racism involved in people expecting them not to wear hoodies, not to run too fast, not to shift their movements too quickly and other racist policing of bodies (that White men with White privilege, in addition to male privilege, do not have to worry about) seem to throw all of this information out when they’re the one engaging in oppressive behavior.

He should be able to wear a hoodie and be safe yet I have no claim to safety if I wear anything deemed “sexy” (which could be anything since women WORLDWIDE are raped regardless of wardrobe)? He shouldn’t have to shuck and jive and perform happiness for Whites so that they don’t feel “threatened” yet I should shuck and jive for him, performing happiness and interest or else be deemed an evil and scary Black woman, thereby open to insults and threats/acts of violence? 

Related Posts: His View: Flirting | My View: Street Harassment, Race, Gender and Violence

Introvert Seating Assignments

When I enter a public space with some seats occupied, some areas more desolate than others etc. I always look for a place to sit with the least amount of people nearby or where I can sit without a person being on either side of me. If a seat is at the end of an aisle, I will take the seat at the end or closest to the wall so that at worst, only one person can sit next me me, versus two, and I will choose the end furthest from the door (but still facing the door) so that those who walk in will hopefully feel lazier and sit further away from me, not opting to walk as far as I did.

I am not shy. I am just an introvert. I am also a person that has dealt with street harassment for two decades. I am also a person that hates small talk with people that I don’t know (with the exception of those providing me a service; I always try to be polite to them), especially when those people are White and their conversations are riddled with microaggressions and assumptions based on White privilege. I am also of the “I really cannot be bothered” mindset most of the time.

I always say this, “I am not anti-social just because I won’t socialize with yo ass.”

Related Posts: Like Father, Like Daughter (A Tale of Introverts…), The Black Introvert Struggle

On Being A Black Female Engineering Student: Street Harassment and Microaggressions At School

A college classroom isn’t a safe place from street harassment. My youngest sister (I have 5) is an Electrical Engineering student nearing the completion of her degree. This semester in her Circuits lab, while working on one of her complicated projects, an older male student came over and demanded that she smile. When she didn’t smile or respond to his demand, he asked why wasn’t she smiling. She said the work, as he well knows, is complicated, and her expression is what she has while thinking. Apparently, being an object solely existing to perform emotions that men find pleasant and non-threatening is the expectation of a female Engineering student.

Who the hell sits in a STEM lab grinning like The Joker while they work? (He didn’t demand her White female lab partner to smile. I can relate to this—men often harass me while treating White women nearby with respect, which doesn’t mean that the latter are never harassed, however.) This is about control and power, as usual. Male students who don’t want her there and are intimidated by her being able to do the same things that they do engage in this behavior to re-instill a sense of authority and superiority.

My sister has told me so many stories of annoying experiences of harassment and racial microaggressions that she’s dealt with being a Black woman in an engineering program. When teachers applaud White students for doing well on complicated exams, they ask her if she “got lucky.” When she arrives to a new class at the start of the semester, she’s repeatedly asked if she is in the right class, when White students are not asked this. When it is time to take an exam, the TA often ignores her, then when she tries to pick up an exam packet herself, the TA places a hand over them and questions her right to take the exam, as if she has not been in the course the whole time. It’s the binary of being extremely visible as a stereotype but also insistently ignored. Black women know this all too well.

Imagine dealing with endless racial microaggressions but on top of people questioning your abilities, despite excellent grades and amazing critical thinking skills, having to deal with street harassment in the classroom.

People whine and whine about women and men of colour, as well as White women not entering STEM fields as much as White men (while of course ignoring the institutional/structural racism and sexism at play…) ignoring the fact that once Black women, for example, are in these fields, even in the classes, there is a great deal of psychological warfare to navigate through for years on end (most Engineering students spend more than 4 years in college) just to later enter a career field where the same things will be repeated. It is not easy.

I am angered that my baby sister is dealing with the street harassment that I deal with, well…everywhere, in her classrooms. She’s trying to concentrate on complicated material and is PAYING to be there, and shouldn’t have to deal with this ignorance on top of all of the microaggressions and other nonsense that she deals with as a Black woman studying Engineering.

Street Harassment and Repeat Harassers

Like most people, I frequent the same grocery stores, libraries, post offices, coffee shoppes, malls etc. Men who engage in street harassment live somewhere too. They’re a part of this patriarchal society that makes patriarchal masculinity and misogyny traits of “just being a man;” they aren’t random obscurities that I think into existence (as some people would like to believe). Thus, there’s been incidents where I’ve been harassed by a man on a Monday and coincidentally saw him again on Friday or Saturday. It happens. Though each incident of street harassment is usually by a different man, it’s not always by a different man.

For example, yesterday I tweeted about a Black man who harassed me at a Starbucks the day prior…while I was there writing about street harassment. Tiring irony. Anyway, later (after those tweets) I went to that same Starbucks again. A few minutes after I entered, the same man entered the place. He sat there for two hours staring at me, angrily, and had no beverage or snack. He wasn’t using the WiFi either. He sat there…and stared. He eventually left; I was there much longer than he was.

I once had to curse out a Black man who yelled at me and berated me because I wouldn’t purchase burned music CDs from him. I saw him two weeks later when I went for a walk. He began to follow me while breathing very hard. This was later in the evening. I continued on my walk and slightly changed my destination so that he wouldn’t know where I was going. He eventually went a different direction. I think he wanted me to be afraid and show fear, which I didn’t, since in the primary altercation he mentioned women being afraid of men.

Earlier this week, a Black man harassed me in an elevator at a library, saying sexually inappropriate stuff. I saw him earlier today somewhere else and he tried to trip me. Seriously. I didn’t fall though because of my experience with repeat offending street harassing men, I knew that he was going to do something. Thus, as I started to pass by him, just at the moment he tried to put his body in the way so that I would fall, I stopped short. I didn’t fall or say a word to him; I pretended that his stunt was not even noticeable. It’s truly sad to me that I already knew what he was going to do.

There’s a Black man who has been harassing me since 2007 (though this particular one is not stalking—I have been stalked before) anytime I see him. My best friend and I call him “Nickels.” Here’s why. I used to dance salsa. At one of the social dancing clubs, I was sitting with my best friend at a table, waiting out a bachata song. (Most Latin dance clubs will play salsa, merengue and bachata). “Nickels” came over to our table and sat down, without permission. He is about 5’10 but like 260 pounds of muscle. He stared at us angrily and didn’t say a word. He then went into his pocket, grabbed a wad of change and threw it on the table. Pennies and dimes, but mostly nickels. We didn’t know what to do/say. We got up and went to the bar. A salsa song came on and I began to dance with one of the Cuban men that I attended a dance school with. “Nickels” then came over and stood over the man that I was dancing with. The man I was dancing with got scared and stopped dancing. “Nickels” stood there over us with his arms folded. I didn’t expect the man I was dancing with to “prove” his masculinity by doing something ignorant like start fighting “Nickels.” We ended up leaving. However, with the exception of part of 2009 through part of 2011 when I lived in a different state, I have seen “Nickels” at least once every two months since 2007, and he always does something odd near me, tries to sit by me/block my path walking, or use other physical actions to try to intimidate me.

One of the most tiring things involved in street harassment is when the man who does it seems to believe that the sheer act of seeing me more than once, which gives him the opportunity to harass me more than once, is some sort of….”relationship.” Currently there are SIX Black men who I see somewhat regularly (1-3 times a month, on average) because of the area that I live in, who engage in some sort of passive aggressive or aggressive behavior any time I see them. When I share this experience with people (not misogynists who try to find a way to proclaim street harassment as my fault, in the same way that they would do any other attack on women) who mean well, they’ll say, “well just move!”

Let’s look past the classist assumption that I can afford to move anytime I am harassed anywhere (which isn’t even reasonable, no less, and again, puts the onus on the woman, not the man to change his behavior), as if there is some sort of relocation assistance for Black women dealing with misogynoir—where on the entire globe would this be absent? Street harassment isn’t solely about location (though as a Black woman, there are racial and class factors at play here); it’s about who I am. I am harassed because I am woman living in a kyriarchal society. I am harassed by heterosexual Black men (who think patriarchal masculinity and misogynoir are “just being men” and because of male privilege, cannot see that this is wrong) because I am a Black woman, consistently devalued by Black men who are also devalued in this same society. 

Stop Calling Women Liars When They Write About Experiencing Trauma

There is NO reason to comment on/reblog a post just to call someone a liar when they describe traumatic experiences. NONE.

If a woman writes about dealing with cyber bullying, street harassment, workplace sexual harassment, stalking, dating violence, domestic violence or rape, what purpose is there to comment on/reblog a post just to claim the woman is exaggerating or lying? On what evidence is your claim based other than misogyny?

Calling a woman who has dealt with any/all of these situations a liar is a TRIGGER as it is the common response in this horrid institutionalized sexist, misogynist, victim blaming rape culture that we live in. Some random person (of any gender) calling her a liar online is probably not the first to do so, online or offline.

As I mentioned in a previous post, the sympathy and support that I received after a burglary some years ago by far superseded that which I received while dealing with several instances of stalking. The “safety” of my TV and jewelry mattered more to people than my own personal safety. They were outraged about the former; they made excuses to defend the men (it was more than one) about the latter. This reveals how capitalistic that this rape culture tends to be, as well. Objects matter more than people and oppressed people are viewed as objects, but of lesser value than material objects.

Despite the overwhelmingly frightening statistics regarding crimes against women, many men and women prefer to pretend that every woman is a liar when it comes to these particular behaviors and crimes. Worse, depending on who the woman is (presumed “virginity,” age, race, class, sexuality, being trans*, weight, ability, citizenship status etc.) her being believed and supported varies even more.

Many people are desperately invested in two things. One (which tends to be done by women) is to call women liars because they think that they are somehow protected if they can make sure that somehow it is the victim’s fault while assuring themselves that they are nothing like the victim. They aren’t challenging the status quo here; they’re upholding it. By pretending that they are somehow different from any other woman who experiences trauma, they create an illusion of safety for themselves and can stand alongside men who call women liars for a different reason. Many men who do this are trying to psychologically distance themselves and justify themselves engaging in the exact same misogynist behavior that a woman has written about. Other men do this to be spiteful, vindictive, controlling, and misogynist. They’re fully aware of the reality of male aggression against women (though misogyny is normalized as “just being a man”) and as a part of this aggression, they do in fact seek to be triggers, even if they aren’t familiar with the actual terminology “trigger.” A person doesn’t have to know a label to engage in the related behavior.

As I’ve written about extensively, I’ve dealt with virulent street harassment for two decades. Regarding a recent essay that I wrote about this, a woman (a fellow Black woman at that, who knows DAMN WELL the specific ways in which gender AND race impact street harassment for us) claimed that I was exaggerating. For what? When you deal with a problem for decades, you become somewhat of an expert on it. Every nuance. Every detail. I have better things to do than to “make up” harassment. She should have had better things to do than to claim this. Worse, she tried to acquire a consensus, asking her readers to determine if I am exaggerating. I didn’t see anyone take the bait though. This type of behavior, specifically from Black women, is incredibly dangerous to other Black women. The former is so desperate to defend any aggression by Black men, thinking that this is love (news flash…it’s not love…it’s pity for men and internalized sexism for her, all masked as racial loyalty) that they’ll throw other Black women under the bus in the name of patriarchy.

Other times that I’ve written about street harassment, I’ve had White racist men…racist now, defend the Black men that they hate who street harassed me, because ultimately they share male privilege together. Both can be patriarchal, sexist and misogynist despite one oppressing the other because of race. (White women have done this as well.) And, it’s incredibly rare for a Black man to defend me (well on anything, actually) in street harassment incidents since many engage in it too and/or think this harassment to exhibit control and dominance is also “flirting.” No…it’s not.

One of the most difficult things for me to see is women being attacked when they write about being raped. The lie that every rape is made up prevails. As I wrote about before, in relation to the LIE that all rapes are made up stories:

The false accusations are trumpeted as the “majority” of cases for a few reasons. First of all, celebrity-involved cases, (NOT the reality that obviously the majority of cases involve non-famous people), is used as the frame of reference. Also, women are paid off or threatened to recant in some celebrity cases, so even those who recant may still have been raped. Many fear the longevity and shame involved in a public trial. Second, by shaping rape as something women make up to “hurt” men, it makes other women question the validity of their own experiences and less likely to come forward. Third, we LIVE in a rape culture. It’s joked about, ignored, excused, portrayed in every form of media, made a mockery of by legislators and victims, not perpetrators are blamed. All of these facets work together to make it seem as if rape is the only crime where a victim, especially if a woman (as whether a woman or man is the victim, the overwhelming majority of rapists are men) is automatically lying.

No, every woman is not a liar. Since a woman who speaks out about trauma and writes about it will already have a plethora of individuals and institutions trying to silence her, call her a liar, and even try to harm her for speaking out, the least people could do is leave her alone, in regards to commenting on/reblogging her writing just to call her a liar. LEAVE HER ALONE.

Related Post: 6 Common Derailment Tactics Used In Conversations About Street Harassment and Sexual Assault

Men Who Use Music As A Weapon During Street Harassment

I’ve been in public places (and I know that they are public, so the expectation of silence and/or privacy are minimal, however the acceptance of street harassment is a HELL NO) where I was sitting somewhere desolate, and there were other places to sit, yet a Black man would come sit by me. I expected the typical street harassment and rude comments that I’ve become accustomed to in twenty years of experiencing street harassment, but on several occasions, something different occurred.

The man would either start playing some over the top misogynist rap music or start rapping the song himself. Nothing mainstream and nothing “conscious” (though both of these have threads of misogyny as well, as do other genres of music), but some underground type stuff—the mixtapes sold by men outside of the flea market and the like. Stuff that makes Lil’ Wayne’s ridiculously disrespectful and awful “Emmett Till” line with its sexual aggression seem tame. And, they either played it loud or rapped it loud, while looking at me.

I’m always stunned when this happens and then I remember that for the most part, rap is music created for Black men by Black men. Yes, there are incredibly talented Black women who rap, White men who rap, and rappers around the world. Yes, there are people all around the world who buy rap music. But often times, if you actually LISTEN to some of the songs by Black male rappers, instead of just waiting for a swear word or misogyny to surface, and instead of just listening to the baseline or the track, many of these songs are like brotherly ballads. For them. By them.

However, when a Black man uses this music to try to threaten me, intimidate me or make me uncomfortable, I still get stunned to this day. Worse, I think some of them are so enamored by patriarchal ideas of what they think is “flirting” that perhaps they think they are being “attractive” when they do this.

The scene unfolds like this: I sit somewhere quietly reading a book, there’s plenty of empty space around, a Black man comes and sits as close as possible to me, he begins to play a song or rap a song that’s incredibly sexually violent while staring me in the face and not smiling. I immediately get up and leave.

Some of them do nothing when this occurs; others yell threats. Fortunately none of these situations have escalated into physical violence, but the emotional violence of using Black music to actually try to harass me still astounds me. It…feels worse than the typical street harassment incidents because it makes me acutely aware that no, all hip hop and rap isn’t the same. I listen to and love some. It makes me feel a cultural togetherness with other Black people, which I love. At the same time, some rap (just like some rock, alternative, metal etc.) is truly awful and is used to reinforce kyriarchy. Art is never “just art.” The fact that they are using this as a weapon proves that a song is not “just a song.” Art imitates life. Art reflects both the virtues and the vices of our time.

(Two other instances where music is a factor in harassment is when men expect me to remove my iPod earbuds so that I can be more effectively harassed, and when men turn up the volume to their music and angrily glare at me out of the windows if I walk by their cars.)

Related Essay List: Street Harassment - A Collective