My Response To The “You Can Touch My Hair” Project (Hint: WTF?)

As I mentioned in my last Around The Web post, I did share some tweets on the #YouCanTouchMyHair project where Black women agreed to be petted by Whites in public to satisfy White curiosity. (Both Clutch and Colorlines had stories about it if you are still unclear about this project; Al Jazeera mentioned one of my tweets in their story on it.)

I personally have nothing against any women who participated in the project, but it was not something of interest to me. I feel no empowerment in conceding to White wishes just because it occurs at a time/location of my choice, unlike previous (and current) Black body dehumanization, which did (does) not. Ultimately, it is about White desire and the White Gaze, for which I have no interest in satisfying. I do not feel that being petted will make the Whites who ache to do this any better people, any more aware of their White privilege, nor any more likely to examine why so many Black women are opposed to this even if a few are not.

I recently saw this photograph below of Black women who countered the position of those who created the project. You can’t touch their hair.

image

In the tweets below, I used the hashtag #YouCanTouchMyHair since that is what people used to talk about it, but to be clear, NO, I do not support any event where I become an exhibit for the White Gaze. My entire life is already treated as such, and I am already touched without permission, primarily by White women (hair) and Black men (the rest of my body), so I am really not interested.

Naturally, a Black man attacked me about my disinterest in this project, primarily since it would “offend” White women not to be able to pet Black hair. Their concern with White women’s feelings at the expense of Black women’s is nothing new though.

Someone mentioned that White people petting Black women’s hair is no different from a handshake. Seriously…this is what goes for critical thinking on Twitter. *sigh*

Ultimately, Black women can choose to allow anyone of interest to pet their hair, no matter how aggressive, forced and inappropriate it is, but the reality is simply choosing to pretend all that it entails doesn’t exist doesn’t erase it. For example, street harassment doesn’t become “flirting” just because a woman fails to hold men’s sexism and misogyny accountable, or have internalized them. In the same manner, White privilege and dehumanization through objectification and fetishistic gazing/touching of Black people does not change it into something nice simply because a Black woman decides at what time and place it can occur.

Related Essay List: On Natural Hair…

Related Post: White Women Who Seek To Dominate Black Women’s Spaces and Discourse Are Not There To “Learn” Anything

A Perspective From Some Black Men That I Am NOT Here For

In the year that I’ve had Gradient Lair, four years on Twitter and in many years of my online and offline life prior to it, so much of what (primarily cis and hetero) Black men have voiced to me about Black women basically goes like this:

Until you obey my words, I applaud your destruction. It doesn’t matter if my desired patriarchal domination of you (which on a mass scale, already exists) will not end racism. It doesn’t matter if absolutely no one on earth supports me more than you do or has fought racism with me like you have. It doesn’t matter if the manifestations of White supremacy and racism—such as Prison Industrial Complex; unequal and more frequent arrests, trials and sentencing for charges White men don’t have to face; being historically painted as the face of rape despite White men being the ones who commit the most rapes, in sheer number or statistically; Stop and Frisk; School to Prison pipeline; penalties for a mother receiving benefits incurs if I am in the home, encouraging the disruption of Blacks families while further penalizing them for the highest unemployment rate that I face; highest homicide rate where the cycles of poverty and inequality ravage; shortest life expectancy and more—are not your fault; I blame them on you despite us both facing racism since my arms are too unwilling to box with kyriarchy.

I flaunt my romantic connection based on my misogynoir towards you and a White woman’s racism towards you in your face as proof of your inferiority. I might praise your looks, but only if it serves my sexual pleasure and desire or other manifestation of male privilege and it will be based on how close to Eurocentric your appearance is.

I demand your silence on intraracial street harassment, domestic violence and rape. Since racist White men have informed me via racist reports, articles and other propaganda that your lack of subordination—despite the prevalence of street harassment, domestic violence and rape proving that patriarchal domination is just as much a part of Black women’s lives (if not more) as it is other women’s lives—is why I don’t have what I want, I believe them. It doesn’t matter if centuries of evidence proves otherwise. I remain unwilling to critique the ways that internalized racism has harmed us both. I remain unwilling to critique how my patriarchal beliefs and male privilege to keep my views unquestioned has harmed you. Instead, I continue on the path where a certain percentage of oppression must be present in your life in order for me to feel like a man. I ignore the fact that this percentage was exceeded centuries ago and because of White supremacy, patriarchy and capitalism, the manhood I question achieving has been both prevented by these forces and corrupted by these forces. Even so, calling you unreasonable, bitter, ratchet, unsupportive and completely ignoring your struggle—even questioning the existence of oppression in your life post-slavery—is what I do. You have to concede it’s much easier than doing the real work of social justice.

Oh and while I do all of this to you, I expect a Joker-like permanent smile plastered on your face at all times while indulging my/the street harassment of other Black men as it’s just a compliment! You should expect it if we deem you attractive or be thankful for it if we deem you ugly. I won’t examine how feeling powerless because of racism/classism makes me pursue phallocentric power via street harassment. This only scratches the surface but I can’t continue this conversation at the moment as I have some White women (or if push comes to shove, ‘any’ non-Black woman) to chase, worship and compare to you and White men to emulate while making sure I am never a voice of support when any of them or another Black man attacks you. Most of all, when Whites (especially White women) do attack you, I am probably going to take their side, even if what they suggest is racist and also speaks to my own existence, not just yours as a Black woman.

At this point, when I encounter Black men with this perspective (which is almost daily, actually), even if they aren’t fully conscious of the fact that this is their perspective, I’m like…I’ll pass. Bye. I don’t need the reminder of the “unity” that they crave based on my emotional destruction—-“unity” that looks more like what happens when a boot hits a rug. I’ll pass…I rather do…well…absolutely anything other than confront this view ever again, though it’s always just a matter of time.

I’m tired.

Allies Are Still Privileged; Don’t Forget It

Beware the privileged repackaging the words/experiences of the oppressed and being applauded for it while the oppressed are ignored, silenced or punished for speaking their lived truths. Further, those who only want to hear the messages of the oppressed from the privileged and call said action “progressive” are actually complicit in either facilitating the oppression of others (if they themselves are privileged) or have internalized the oppressors’ tactics (if they themselves are oppressed and still prefer the messages of the oppressed in a privileged mouthpiece, as if the privileged have to provide “credibility” to the message of the oppressed before it matters).

If this applies to you, question why White anti-racism advocates, male feminists, heterosexual allies to LGBTQ community, cisgender allies to trans* people, rich people “playing poor” for a week or so on food stamps or low pay and thin allies to fat activists ”move” you more than the people themselves.

This is not about allies not having a place and being important. They do and are. If you can’t see how allies are important BUT also cannot dominate the discourse or portray the oppressed as monolithic groups with monolithic thoughts, it’s time to re-evaluate your own praxis.

With any discussion of oppression, if your go-to voice is a cis, heterosexual, able-bodied, middle class White male to the point that you are willing to defend him against the actual oppressed people, you need to re-evaluate your theory and praxis. You need to re-examine the role of an ally. The role—not the goddamn pulpit, publishing house, bookshelf, classroom, board of directors, pundit TV spot etc. where the privileged thrive.

You need to question your privilege even as an ally, especially as an ally if that same privilege continues to allow your voice to be centered above those you claim to help, especially when you are making a living, financially profiting off of the oppression of other people by talking about the oppression of other people.

Most of all, stop expecting to be applauded all the damn time. Ally work can be noble when not self-centered, domineering and solely a salve for personal guilt, but no more noble than those in the trenches doing the work and living the experiences. Ally work needs to be noble without the incessant need for the praise of its nobility, otherwise it becomes about oppressed people applauding their oppressors, which is not revolutionary. 

My Dad

My father. He was there from the beginning and is still here for me, even after my mom passed away 12 years ago; even as I am an adult now.

He ironed my clothes for school all of my K-12 years. Even jeans. Though my siblings and I didn’t grow up with much money…at all really, we never went to school hungry. We never went to school wrinkled. We got a good night’s sleep before exams. Most of us are academic behemoths. All of his daughters have at least 1 college degree.

When I was young, anytime my older sister was home sick, he would make me think that I was walking to school by myself, and toughening me up, but truthfully, he followed me the whole way. Made sure I was safe. Ducked behind trees and buildings. A year passed before I ever caught him. I still laugh about it to this day. It’s what love looks like.

He cooks everything well. Doesn’t matter if it is one of his native Jamaican foods like curry goat with rice and peas or jerk chicken with fried plantains versus something more American like grilled burgers (his burgers will have you slappin’ folks; they’re that good) or cornbread from scratch. He’s learned some Black American cuisine too, like collard greens, albeit we spent more time growing up eating callaloo than collards.

He can build or fix anything. Literally. Plumbing. Electrical outlets and wiring. Cars. Boats. He’s the kind of nuanced man that will rebuild a diesel engine and then paint a picture, then garden, then cook a meal, throw in some laundry and then fix plumbing. He’s never been interested in gender defining what he should or shouldn’t do because he’s good at whatever he attempts with sincerity.

He’s hilarious. Cracks great jokes. We are both introverts, so we talk about how we dodge parties/events and share tips and strategies for ducking extroverts, ha! I usually have such conversations with my best friend who is also an INTJ, but the ones with my dad are hilarious as well.

He probes my mind with good questions/thoughts that get me thinking. We have interesting political conversations together.

My father, a Black man who is 70 years of age has defied so many stereotypes of who Black men are and can be. Not even because he’s concerned with those stereotypes (though he does not take the ignorant route of pretending that racism and classism are non-factors in life—we talk about them regularly, with rage) and is “trying” to prove them wrong but simply because who he is defies them, already.

My father isn’t a superhero or a villain. He’s a human being that I love and respect; one I can’t pay back (just like I could never pay my late mother back) for what he’s done for me, especially during very difficult times.

He’s…one of the good people in my life. I only have a few. But they’ve been more than sufficient. So today is a day to honor that, and especially a day to honor him. 

Black People Cannot End Racism Alone

It is obvious that many Whites believe that not even racism, but race itself is something that has nothing to do with them, as if White is not also a “race.” On racism, many will refer to it as “your cause” when speaking to someone Black, as if racism does not involve Whites at all. Also, there are Black people who think that we alone can end racism, or should at least ignore it. Not ignoring it is deemed “making excuses” and “not taking responsibility” by exceptional Black people (such as the Obamas) using bootstrap theory arguments to appease Whites. Whites conveniently do not have to “take responsibility” for racism though Black people are supposed to “take responsibility” for the ways racism impacts our lives, while simultaneously not mentioning racism being there in the first place.

It is not only Black people shrouded in exceptionalism (via money, power and/or platform) who make these arguments though. I have heard it from other Black people, especially Black men. They often suggest that the following will end racism: Black “unity,” Black self-esteem, Black women obeying Black men, and Black people “reconnecting” to Africa. While some of these matter and others are ridiculous and imply intraracial oppression and fetishism based on ahistorical and monolithic perceptions of an entire continent, none of the four will end racism. None. Below are two examples of Black men attempting to make this argument; one benevolent and one disgusting. Both wrong. (On the former, the author of the essay where the argument was posted replied.)

On an essay on Still Furious and Still Brave, Black/Non-Black Divide and The Anti-Blackness of Non-Black Minorities, a Black man left this comment:

I don’t believe anyone has to confront their anti-black prejudice until we wage an all out war on black self hate. In my opinion half the battle is lost individually and as a group by our own lack of self-respect. These (other) groups that are mentioned almost all have a homeland or native culture that they relate very closely to. They often conduct business among themselves and often create many businesses based on their culture or language. The fact is that many of them will never be white but they don’t hold that against themselves (at least not in many contexts). Black Americans, North, South, Central and Caribbean tend to be divided linguistically and culturally in ways that prevent us from working together as effectively as we could. One of the biggest problems is that we have allowed ourselves to become isolated from that which we all have very much in common. AFRICA. In spite of these cultural and linguistic differences we all have many common forefathers due to the nature of the slave trade. Until we learn to embrace our Africaness and our African heritage with pride and the understanding that as Africans we are in no way inferior to anyone else. I really believe that all people of African descent in this Hemisphere should refer to ourselves as American-Africans, at the same time understanding that there are at least 200 million of us here. We also need to fully understand that none of the wealth that exists here today would have even been possible without us. We have to stand united in rejecting any ill treatment that people want to subject us to. We needn’t worry about prejudice if we build and protect own communities and teach our children that they are not their own worst enemies. Once we do this (others) will understand that we can be allied with and if not (it’ll be their loss).

This is an example where zero accountability is assigned to Whites or to any people of colour who adopt anti-Black racism. He presents other minorities of colour as “model minorities” and this is often used to dehumanize them and oppress Blacks. Though this example does not invoke how Black men dominating Black women will eradicate racism (the next one does), it does invoke unity, self-esteem and “reconnection” to Africa as answers. I find it interesting that he mentioned “we needn’t worry about prejudice if we build and protect own communities.” This is so passionately ridiculous because it ignores the role of racism in destruction of communities. Has he never heard of Black Wall Street? Rosewood? The idea that Black collectivism can make racism a non-factor is denial through ignorance. Thankfully, the author of the post, @phuzzieslippers then replied:

Black self-hate is a direct result of the same processes that cause anti-black prejudices from other groups, i.e. white supremacy. Saying that we must address ourselves first excuses the other participants in this system and blames black people for problems that we didn’t cause. And we MUST disavow this American belief that Africa is the key to our freedom, that our commonality is rooted in Africa. It’s not. Africa is a HUGE place, the third largest continent in the United States, with literally thousands of languages and cultures; it’s vast. Even though we believe that we should be connected there because of the transatlantic slave trade, the fact is that even most African slaves were only taken from a very small segment of the continent. Black Americans, regardless of region, will probably have much more in common with each other than two randomly selected African ethnic groups. We can’t refuse to give Africa and Africans the dignity they deserve by re-imagining their homes to fit our stylized idea of what they should be. It’s not fair to them because it denies them the recognition of uniqueness that they deserve, and it’s not fair to us because it fails to give us credit for forging ahead and establishing a strong Black American culture.

That was the benevolent example; here is the more disgusting example. There is a man who has been harassing me online since February. He makes new accounts (thirteen so far) every few weeks to harass me from them. He posted this comment to one of my essays:

Negro b*tches quality-of-life, will continue to flounder when they do not support the negro male counterpart. I am all for racism & police oppression if I can put a black b*tch in her proper place. When you don’t invest in your men to be leaders fo rthe black collective, the Trayvon’s & Troy Davis’ will continue to happen. And I am here for it. We need a black patriarchy. Until then, f*ck black women and their fight to be sl*ts. Good day.

This man suggests that Black women who fight intraracial oppression is why a racist man murdered Trayvon Martin. The fear of holding White men accountable is not new for some Black men; one blamed Black women for The Onion’s attack on Quvenzhané—not the organization themselves, not racism (and misogynoir) in the media etc. The idea that racism is caused by Black women not obeying Black men is promoted here and is common. While not every Black man will lace this belief with such misogynoirist language and hateful nonsense as above, many hold this belief at its core.

While Black unity (and I do not think this is heterosexual Black men dominating Black heterosexual women, Black LGBTQ people and Black children, as the former enter their quest to mimic patriarchal White men) matters in terms of supporting each other for growth, development, and in the fight for justice, this alone will not eradicate racism. It can help our interpersonal lives improve with a sense of connectedness. But Whites as individuals and racism as institutional, systemic and structural are still culpable. Besides, many themes of “unity” do not allow true humanity for Black people, but are shaped by respectability politics and hopes for White approval. These unity themes rarely allows intraracial critique for fear of the White Gaze. We cannot prove worthiness of our humanity through unity when we are dehumanized via racism because we are Black, not because we are not “collective” enough.

While Black self-esteem is critical in rejecting White supremacy and fighting racism and its manifestation in almost every sphere of life, as well as it being critical to the well-being of Black people individually and culturally, Black self-esteem alone will not end racism. Whites as individuals and racism as institutional, systemic and structural are still culpable.

As much as some Black men refuse to critique White supremacy and racism—and will not historically examine how this impacts Black families, and in many cases cannot even articulate what “obedience” or “submission” is without invoking White supremacist gender tropes, the politics of respectability or Eurocentric notions of family—and continue to blame Black women’s supposed “deviance” or “pathology” as to why we face racism collectively, the reality is many Black women are patriarchal and come from patriarchal families (for which men do not have to physically be present in, in order for said family to be patriarchal). They are abused, hurt and still oppressed by race (in addition to other identities). More Black women accepting intraracial patriarchal domination will not end racism.  Whites as individuals and racism as institutional, systemic and structural are still culpable.

While some Black people view Africa as a monolith as many Whites do (though for different reasons; for Black people it is a reaction to White supremacy and an attempt to reject it by idolizing Africa as a monolithic place where all Blacks have a history of royalty and a place without war or pain until the Transatlantic Slave Trade; for Whites it is White supremacy itself and being taught to view it as a “country” not a multi-faceted continent), the truth, as alluded to above is that “we can’t refuse to give Africa and Africans the dignity they deserve by re-imagining their homes to fit our stylized idea of what they should be.” When Black Americans or western Blacks in general do this to Africa, it is disrespectful and ignores what Black culture was created here, in America, despite slavery. Despite it. There is excellence and culture right here. And it still has connections to specific places, time periods, languages, and cultures in Africa, but not monolithically so. Even so, knowledge of Africa will not end racism. Whites as individuals and racism as institutional, systemic and structural are still culpable.

To suggest that Black people can end racism alone could only be true if Black people perpetuated racism and benefited from racism alone. It does not matter how many times some Black people declare “we are our own worst enemy” (another “let us let Whites off the hook” declaration) because all of the self-esteem, unity, patriarchal domination of Black women and fantasies about Africa in the world are not going to unravel racism. Racism does not exist because Black people are flawed and as some sort of punishment until we reach a perfection that no one else has to reach. All humans are flawed. Thus, Black people have to be willing to examine the realities of racism without creating pathology-oriented intraracial excuses as to why it exists and remedies that will not work. Truthfully, many Black people, especially Black men, assert these four “solutions” because they’re at least something that Blacks can possibly control (though the irony is that racism still impacts their proposed “solutions” no matter how much they want to ignore its role) and because most history reveals that we have little reason to believe that Whites will do the work to end racism. The reality of racism involves Whites (even if certain individual ones aren’t racist, per se). Institutions. Structures. Systems. It has to be examined for what it is. Any conversation about racism that does not include, well…racism, is insufficient.

Small Affirmations?

While I am definitely not into “affirmations” in that I support victim-blaming ideologies that are racist, sexist, classist and ahistorical/obtuse in terms of what people can have access to/acheive versus what very real institutional, structural and systemic barriers and oppression exist, I am into affirmations in that I am not going to place certain negative content in a personal space for which I have control over.

What I mean by this is something simple. Earlier today, I heard a Black man’s ringtone that was a person saying “ring ring” versus the sound of a telephone ring and then the person says “idiot, stupid, pick up the phone. What, you don’t hear that” and goes on from there.

Um…why?

Like…I make my various online passwords positive phrases (still mixed with characters and letters, of course) and though I have some rather complex and/or problematic music too, I try to mix it up with some uplifting stuff (such as Janelle Monae’s and Erykah Badu’s song “Q.U.E.E.N.”)

Of course this man can do whatever he wants, but I dunno, I just wouldn’t want my phone to ring like that. It truly sounded awful. Hearing “stupid” and “idiot” multiple times a day? I don’t get it.

Continuing The Conversation On Able-Bodied Privilege

I read some important responses to my essay Check Your Able-Bodied Privilege, where I noted my own mistakes with benevolent ableism as an able-bodied person and the role of privilege in making assumptions. These responses include:

pornithologist on Tumblr:

A wonderful post and the only thing I would add is that in my relatively limited experience working as a disability support worker the well-intentioned ableism I saw most often is people finishing a person’s sentences for them if they have trouble speaking. Don’t finish anybody’s sentences while they’re talking. It’s interrupting and it’s rude. While someone has the floor, let them speak uninterrupted, no matter how long it takes. If you really need the floor, ask for it politely. Don’t assume you’re being a hero by finishing their sentences for them, because it’s frustrating, even if it’s well-intentioned.

People do things at their own pace. The most helpful and respectful thing you can do is let them do it, without adding pressure or offering your assistance unless its asked for. :)

Brilliant comment and I am so glad this person added it to the conversation. I have never rushed anyone to speak or finished their sentences; I don’t do that with other able-bodied people or people with disabilities. Because I am a Black woman, I am BEYOND used to being forcefully silenced online and offline so I never wanted to perpetrate that. Even so, as my initial essay revealed, it doesn’t mean that I am not capable of perpetrating ableism in other ways. Critical sentence here is “people do things at their own pace.” So important. So much of education and business and greater culture itself is based on a presumed pace and endless rushing to prove busyness to prove “value” as a worker and person, and connects to myths of American exceptionalism. It’s critical to reject this anyway, as that myth is actually quite oppressive.

juliapancakes on Tumblr:

YES THANK YOU YES. I wearing hearing aids, I am hearing impaired and I cannot tell you how difficult it apparently is for most people to just let me do my thing and not try to step all over it. Some people get to know me better and learn how to chill with it, and very very rarely I meet someone who knows how to handle a/my disability already, usually because they have prior experience, so hopefully people read the above and apply it to their own lives. For me personally, I DO appreciate when someone alerts me to someone speaking to me - in a respectful way only, and there are a lot of rude ways most people do this - but it drives me crazy when people try to speak for me like, ‘OH SHE DIDN’T HEAR YOU’, when really I was taking a freaking microsecond to formulate a response. I do understand that people are generally trying to be helpful, but I also can see pretty plainly that more often than not they are the one that is uncomfortable, not me. Just saying.

My point is this: Let people tell you what they need before deciding that you know, even if you have good intentions. If you don’t know what to do, then don’t assume. Assuming makes an ass out of you … but not me. Straight up ask, “what can I do to help?” The answer may be NOTHING. You may need to not even ask to begin with because it’s not your damn business, like in the above example about someone doing their own thing at the library. The answer could be one of a million things, but always remember that you do not know, so just respectfully ask for more information. Remember that you are not an expert on anyone else’s body.

Brilliant comment and I am so glad this person shared it. Letting people decide if they need anything and voicing it let’s them retain their agency. I like that this person pointed out that a person with able-bodied privilege being uncomfortable does NOT constitute a person with a disability needing their help. Like this person said, the answer may be “NOTHING.”

coffeepiratequeen on Tumblr:

Having spent most of my adult life using mobility aids, I’ve found the most helpful thing is when people just nicely ask, “Need a hand?” if they see me struggling.  Obviously I don’t want people to rush in and just do something for me, but it’s also pretty humiliating when I’m clearly struggling and people just stare and/or whiz past me.  =/  So ask briefly if the person could use a hand (I prefer that over “needing help” personally, since it sounds a lot less major, you know?) and if they say no, just say “okay!” and move on.  :)

I appreciate this comment and it illuminates my perspective further.

Just as I mentioned in the original essay, “Being in a place of privilege at any intersection means that the status quo aligns with your experiences, not the oppressed’s experiences. Not only does it align, every morsel of culture continues to subtly and overtly imply the superiority of the person with privilege over the oppressed person.” It’s important to LISTEN and realize how privilege in a particular intersection means you simply don’t have the lived experience to ascertain what people’s needs are. People are better experts on themselves than others are.

(via pornithologist)

Check Your Able-Bodied Privilege

Several months ago I was at a library reading quietly to myself. I saw a middle-aged White man in a motorized wheelchair trying to remove a chair from a table so that he could scoot himself in and use a computer, but the chair seemed practically stuck to the rug (the feet of the chair to the carpet) so it was taking him longer to do so versus an able-bodied person. Like a complete fucking idiot, I went over to help him by starting to move the desk chair out of his way (though I did not and would NEVER touch his actual wheelchair). Did he ask for my help? No.

He calmly said to me, “I got it, thank you.” As soon as he said that, I realized what I had done. I felt truly awful and ashamed of myself. I apologized and he knowingly smiled, as if he realized what I realized about myself.

Other able-bodied people have admitted to me that they’ve done the same. Why do able-bodied people do this? Not thinking. Assuming that the world will end if it takes one person 2 or 3 minutes to move a chair versus 10 seconds is ridiculous. It also is about an able-bodied person feeling discomfort with seeing a person having a more time-consuming experience doing something that we take for granted because of able-bodied privilege. Further, it comes from a place of presumed superiority. Being in a place of privilege at any intersection means that the status quo aligns with your experiences, not the oppressed’s experiences. Not only does it align, every morsel of culture continues to subtly and overtly imply the superiority of the person with privilege over the oppressed person. White privilege and racism. Male privilege and sexism. Heterosexual privilege and homophobia. Cis privilege and transphobia. Thin privilege and fatphobia. Class privilege and classism/poverty. Able-bodied privilege and ableism. The list goes on. This is why consistent checking and deconstruction is necessary. This is why womanist/feminist thinking is a journey; no one reaches “perfection” where they no longer make mistakes, but accountability for those mistakes is CRITICAL. Back-peddling, denial and other nonsense is unacceptable.

People with disabilities face a variety of things from microaggressions to discrimination to oppression. Even if I did not engage in overt ableism and shaming of disabilities, my benevolent ableism—assuming I was being “nice” by placing his disability in the forefront and trying to play hero, versus recognizing his own agency—contributed to the problem of ableism in our society, and it’s something that I definitely never want to do. I truly wish re-realizing this did not have to come at the expense of another human being as to why I apologized, but I am definitely working to do better.

Related Post: On The Fear Of Being Different: Childhood, Audism and Able-Bodied Privilege

When Men Who Engage In Street Harassment Are Police Officers

Back in undergrad, I was at a restaurant with one of my friends (a Black woman). A bunch of deputies entered the restaurant as it was lunch time; four White male deputies and one Black male deputy. They were loud and saying fairly ignorant and sexist things; I chalked it up to typical homosocial bonding (sadly) and patriarchal masculinity flexing. I just hoped that they would stay in their area (we were all waiting to be seated) and not bother us. By that time in college, I had been dealing with street harassment for over a decade (over twenty years, currently) so I already felt anxious anytime I saw a loud group of men anywhere.

As we were all waiting, the Black deputy began to walk over to say something to us and I felt my heart sink; I really did. Unlike a typical street harasser, this man had a connection to power beyond physical or phallocentric; he had the law on his side (well…as long as physically in uniform and and as long as his decisions didn’t conflict with White male power) and telling him to “fuck off and die” or not responding altogether, as with other street harassment incidents, might not work.

However, one of the White male deputies actually pulled his arm and said “no!” He said “no” in the way that you tell a dog not to run outside. There I was, worrying about what this guy was going to say or do to my friend and I (as she was visibly angry now with her arms folded), yet I felt utterly embarrassed for this Black deputy. I shouldn’t have had to! But I did. The complications of race, gender and power were on full display there. To be clear, it’s not like White men are not capable of the same misogyny that Black men (or any men) are (as this is clearly visible whether we are speaking of what they’ve done to White women and women of colour since forever, to their insistent defense of rape jokes to dehumanization of Black women’s bodies to trying to prevent reproductive freedom to their disgusting responses to female gamers etc.). In this case, it seemed like he wanted to extert his power over that Black deputy, the same one who wanted to extert power over my friend and I. He even smirked afterward.

I’ve been street harassed by White male cops. Actually, in my lifetime, more White male cops have street harassed me than White men employed in other fields (although I am primarily street harassed by Black men). I never say anything in reply to White male cops who honk their horn, make a sexual statement towards me, or make the inference that I am a sex worker (and with that inference comes misogyny since sex work is demonized in society, especially when the workers are Black women or other women of colour, cis and especially trans) solely for being outside somewhere in public. I don’t reply because I am acutely aware of the putrid poison of impunity that accompanies White and male privilege in a patriarchal society coupled with police power. I’ve stood on street corners waiting to cross the street and White men, cops or not, immediately pulled up and subversively asked if “I want a ride” and made sexualized statements because to them, sex workers are to be pursued and simultaneously disrespected. To them, a Black woman on a corner could not possibly be just crossing the street. This speaks to the hypersexualization of Black women and our sexuality being associated with deviance. This creates the complicated space where I want to be recognized for who I am while I am simultaneously not interested in disrespecting sex workers (by anger over the accusation) in the way that the rest of society does.

Police officers engage in street harassment, commit sexual assault, commit domestic violence and rape. They do this with more impunity than men of the same class who are not officers. Further, considering the role of the police state and the history of the racist interactions with the police that both Black men and Black women have had, I find street harassment from them exceptionally dangerous. I feel sick to my stomach anytime it happens. I always hope that it will never escalate because what chance do I stand against someone with all of the power and the status quo aligning with his very existence?

Related Link: all posts on Gradient Lair tagged with “street harassment”

NOT Interested In ANY “Pick-Up” Lines. At All.

Earlier today on Twitter, I had a conversation with someone who asked what “line” should a prospective partner should use. For me? None. No “line” works. 10-75 street harassment incidents per week for over twenty years means that even when a man who chooses to be decent comes up to me, my initial reaction (from my heart rate accelerating to me moving into fight or flight mode) is that him being there triggers. It immediately triggers. Immediately.

My past dating relationships (though I haven’t dated in several years, nor am I interested in starting again anytime soon) always began with men in very specific social situations. High school. College. Employment. Interest-based social groups. Why? Because in those situations, at least for me, no men immediately came up to me with that “I am in a night club being picked up” kind of vibe. I got to observe how they treated others, their work ethic; I got to be exposed to their personality. For most of my exes, we had a “good times, good laughs, buddy buddy” relationship before it ever became romantic/intimate.

While some people meet the person of their dreams in the grocer, on the street (I cannot imagine this one; like…again…just a trigger for me) or in a bar/club, that’s never been my experience and not just because I don’t “dream” of any particular person or type.

Men who choose to be decent (and not the Nice Guy brats now, who are entitled, manipulative and irritating) can blame street harassing men, not me. Blame this patriarchal society that rationalizes aggression and misogyny against women to where some women are not going to be open to discussing a damn thing with men in an instant-meet (i.e. street, store etc.) atmosphere. Some aren’t interested in any “lines.”

Naturally, some people will read this and without context (such as them choosing to ignore the second paragraph) will assert that I am “bitter” or “hate” men. Yes, because not applauding street harassment is “hatred?” Exhibiting choice over whether to be single or in a relationship is “hatred?”

Here’s the thing; even if a man is potentially “great” and comes up to me in an instant-meet type of situation, I don’t care. He has nothing that I currently want. This is not about my “bar” being “too high” for men. This is about me wanting to avoid street harassment (since a facet of rape culture is men having zero accountability for their misogynist actions; women are expected to “avoid” what men CHOOSE to do) and not being interested in anyone to date (assuming the man is decent), as well. 

I want to navigate public space in peace.

Thinking About Class…

Below are some of my essays that specifically deal with issues of class, though since I examine issues with an intersectional lens, race/gender and more may also be discussed within the essays.

  1. When Well-Inten​tioned Compliment​s Are Also Reminders of Inequality
  2. Escape Artist: The Toll That Being On The Run From Street Harassment Takes
  3. Examining The Claim of White Women’s Oppression By Black Men With “First” Or “More” Rights
  4. Atheist Reflections On Sexism, Poverty and Religion In Childhood
  5. My High School Was Great…But Partly Because of Inequality
  6. A Fantasy About Black Moms and Their Children’s Education
  7. Did You Call Me “Fatherless” As An Insult?
  8. When A College Degree Isn’t A Ticket To The Middle Class For Black People
  9. Working While In College and Bad Corporate Offices
  10. The $200.00 Date Conversation On Twitter Must DIE
  11. Classism Does NOT “Go Both Ways”
  12. Black Shaming of Black Consumerism
  13. Black Funds For Black Films?
  14. Helping People, Without The Ego…
  15. On Black Success…
  16. Black Bodies: Objects For White Profit, Power and Pleasure
  17. Buying Stuff vs. Doing Stuff
  18. C.R.E.A.M. Church
  19. My TV Is Worth More Than I Am?
  20. Different…And The Same: Thoughts About Moving “Away” From Street Harassment
  21. CEO? Have A Seat. Kthanxbai.
  22. Black Friday
  23. Black Woman? Want A Job? Register On Monster.com As A White Woman
  24. Reproductive Freedom Has Always Been An Economic Issue
  25. How Internalized White Supremacy Ruined a Black-Owned Small Business
  26. False Equivalence
  27. A Tale Of Two Men
  28. Thoughts About The Dark Knight Rises
  29. Artists and Activists
  30. Customer Service, Tips and Race
  31. SNAP/Food Stamp Realities and Race
  32. A Twitter Rant About Education…

The Binary Used To Silence

It’s interesting that when I do write essays on racism (or other isms) I’m told that I’m being “arrogant” and “self-indulgent” because I’m exposing the fact that I have knowledge on a topic, but when I decide that I don’t want to be particularly “professorial” I am told that I am being “arrogant” and “self-indulgent” by not sharing knowledge on the topics—or “hoarding” the information. This always comes from the position of me writing or not writing in relation to a White audience, for whose attention I do not specifically seek anyway. This opinion comes from Whites as well as some Blacks who align themselves with White supremacist thinking.

To be clear, plenty of people do not feel this way about what I write/share and email/tweet/comment upon reblog/Disqus comment completely opposite opinions, insightful comments, good debate or compliments/love letters.

Even so, the former are fairly disgusting. They’re solely about silencing, tone policing and control. They present yet another binary inflicted upon a Black woman in the hopes that when I do speak I will doubt what I say or I will not speak at all, and in the hopes that I will believe the negative ideas that people want to frame my thinking by. What’s interesting is each time a person does this, they think they’ve “proven” something or “won.” Not so much. All they’ve done is publicly revealed how ignorant they are.

No, I Still Won’t Be A Magic “Race Tutor” For Demanding Whites

This post is a response to a comment from daniphantomgone on my post White Women Who Seek To Dominate Black Women’s Spaces and Discourse Are Not There To “Learn” Anything. The comment is in blockquotes:

Education doesn’t happen in a personal vacuum. How are people supposed to “educate themselves”? Seriously. How does that happen? They certainly can’t learn from each other.

Of course education does not occur in a vacuum, nor did I suggest that it did. When discourse on race and racism is framed as obligatory service from Blacks to Whites, especially when Whites remain in a position of dominance, controlling the narrative and discourse, solely to assuage guilt, it is no longer productive. In Beverly Daniels Tatum’s book Why Are All The Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria? And Other Conversations About Race, she argues that there is a point where Whites have to work through issues around White guilt, with other Whites. It cannot solely be the work of Black people to assuage it because the experiences of Black people experiencing and living with racism is no longer central. We become objects, no longer subjects.

It’s one thing if you can’t/don’t want to answer all their questions, but turning questions into some sort of exercise of white privilege is, I believe, an unproductive, self-indulgent compensation for feelings of powerlessness. (You have knowledge, denying them of it makes you feel pretty damn self-righteous, doesn’t it?) If you can’t/don’t want to answer, say so and determine if they can respect your space.

While the theorizing on my inner consciousness here will be compelling to some, as it is a Black person trying to make another Black person a villain for not catering to the whims of Whites, I will address something important here. I don’t hoard knowledge. That’s why I have a blog and I tweet. The information is public and easily accessible. Much of what I know and learn, especially from other people who face marginalization in this society occurs online, and I share it. The difference between sharing information (great) and being required to instruct Whites as they insult, demand because of White privilege and are using me as some sort of “card” as proof of anti-racism is different. In fact, in the referenced post I wrote “what I’ve noticed is that Whites who actually do learn anything from my blog are ones who aren’t whining and demanding which means that I acknowledge that there is a difference between Whites who learn in spaces created by Black and other people of colour (and I did mention White feminists who agreed with me, also indicating some Whites are learning without derailing/domination of discourse), versus the original White woman (and others like her) who started the particular conversation referenced in the post you replied to.

Even so, why is it so unreasonable that some Black women want to discuss natural hair without White women involved in the conversation? This was part of the original point. Why is this offensive? Why are some conversations and spaces between Black women so utterly offensive that reading and learning from them are not enough; but demands to insert oneself, control the conversation and call Black women “racist” if they are not willing to cater White women acceptable?

But DON’T moralize asking questions. Being offended isn’t evidence that someone is doing something is wrong. If you can’t explain why someone SHOULD believe something, then don’t blame them for not sharing your frame of reference. I say this as an intellectual/philosopher even though I’m black. You are literally not helping anything.

“Moralize?” “Being offended?” The original conversation was about racism, dehumanization, Eurocentric beauty domination, and Black women’s natural hair. This is not an intellectual or philosophical exercise. This is REAL life for Black women and when Black women have conversations/spaces around beauty, race, complexion and related topics, conversations where White women seek to derail, minimize, insult, and are even racist, it is no longer a matter of “offense.” It is a matter of oppression. Further, when they take that stance, they are not there to “learn” anything, as the original back and forth alludes to.

I accept the fact that you feel that me not catering to Whites versus sharing information (as these are not the same) means that I am not of “help.” That’s totally fine. I am mostly trying to live, so being “the help” for White women is not a primary goal.

White Women Who Seek To Dominate Black Women’s Spaces and Discourse Are Not There To “Learn” Anything

A few days ago, my readers saw an exchange between myself and a White woman on the topic of Black women’s natural hair. Originally, I wrote an essay White Women In Black Natural Hair Spaces, which spoke to Black women being able to have the space to discuss hair and perceptions of beauty without White interruption, control or domination of that conversation or space, especially considering the fact that all mainstream concepts of beauty are Eurocentric. She replied with a full essay, not even just a comment, to which I replied to with Why White Women In Black Natural Hair Spaces Remains Problematic.

I included her comment in the latter post; I found it to be very ignorant, ahistorical and racist. A lot of White privilege there. I made sure I included sources via links in my reply to help her unravel this ignorance. She replied again with straw man arguments, more derailment and more White privilege. I wrote a final reply (I rarely ever reply at all, but when I do, I never exceed twice) When White Women and White Privilege Don’t Know When To Quit.

The point of this exchange was not solely for the White woman who started it. It was two-fold. 1) She is not unique in her positions. They’re common among White women. 2) This reveals the myth of Whites wanting to “learn” about “race/racism.” Most Black people are confronted with this nonsense, especially if they discuss race via social media or writing or are womanist/feminist writers. In my first reply, I included a plethora of links of information for this White woman. Her instantly reply revealed that she ignored them all. This isn’t new. Many Whites who claim to want to “learn” about “race/racism” are in fact attention-seeking liars.

They do want to be “taught” about race by someone Black. They do not want to “learn” about race, however. This might not seem to make sense, but it actually does for three reasons: 1) The implication of servitude by someone Black is there. They are spoon-feeding information and shifting their attention to the service of Whites. 2) By doing this spoon-feeding, the implication of “forgiveness” by the Black person is in the air; this assuages the White person’s guilt over White privilege. 3) The White person can use this theoretical connection as “proof” that they aren’t racist (or even self-label as an “ally”) when they’re challenged by other Whites or Blacks. They don’t actually have to study a single thing presented. And most will not. Thus, they might desire to be “taught” but they do not desire to “learn.”

What I’ve noticed is that Whites who actually do learn anything from my blog are ones who aren’t whining and demanding to be bottle fed critical race theory and promptly burped and put down for a nap.  While my blog’s header, its Google indexing, my biography and a post I specifically wrote for people to read prior to subscribing clarifies that this blog is by a Black woman for Black women, I also don’t have a problem with subscribers who aren’t Black women as long as they aren’t bigots, aren’t White plagiarizers seeking feminist content to promote their own feminist platforms and/or obsessive voyeurs “stunned” that Black women have thoughts and emotions like other humans do.

Oh…and the White woman who started all of this deleted her Tumblr after the exchange, considering that after I mentioned this on Twitter, some White feminists replied to her as well, supporting my point of view. As a great philosopher once said, “don’t start nuthin’, won’t be nuthin’.”

I would bet that she didn’t save my post or any of the links. There goes her so called request to enter and control Black women’s natural hair spaces to be “educated” about hair and race. And for those who will run to the utterly bland and predictable tone policing argument, stating that my reply was not “nice” enough, read her comments. We were not in a classroom discussing race where student/teacher/peer respect exists. This was someone who sought to derail yet another post and space for Black women, and could not accept in return what she dished out.

Escape Artist: The Toll That Being On The Run From Street Harassment Takes

I hear one or more male voices behind me in a public place and I immediately think “I really hope he/they do not bother me.” Sometimes such a wish comes true. More often than not, it doesn’t. As all of this goes through my head, my heart rate increases and sometimes without even realizing it, I’m holding my breath.

I see a group of men walk towards me on a sidewalk and I immediately cross the street. I see one come towards me in a store and I switch aisles. I see one walk towards me in the mall and I dip into a store, especially a store that caters to women, in the hopes that he won’t follow.

These are just a few of the things that aren’t even planned behaviors anymore but genuinely reflexive now. Because I’ve been dealing with street harassment for more than two decades now, everything is reflexive. I rarely get to navigate public space in peace, in general, whether libraries, stores or coffee shoppes etc. I can rarely sit down for greater than seven minutes without disruption, or worse, street harassment.

It’s not all men that I react this way to. The typical man who street harasses me is Black, my height (5’6”) or taller, physically bigger than me, and usually somewhere in the 16-40 age bracket. If this sounds like it overlaps with the same profile that the police target, it’s because it does. As I’ve alluded to before, the same men who are racially profiled and harassed by the police, profile me and other Black women to harass. I often wonder how many Black men harass Black women before and/or after experiencing a stop and frisk? I wonder since I’ve experienced this—Black men who’ve harassed me before or after I saw them frisked or questioned by police. They street harass as a form of “reclamation” of the “patriarchal power” they’ve lost via racism from the police. Violence between White men, Black men and Black women is intrinsically connected. (One can see this when Lil’ Wayne uses the racist violence against Emmet Till to explain his sexual aggressiveness towards Black women.) Some harass because it’s viewed as a “normal” part of masculinity itself.

Usually men over 50 don’t harass me. Usually (not always) non-Black men don’t harass me though perhaps one or two of the (10-75) weekly street harassment incidents that I experience are by White men or Latino men. Usually, more affluent men don’t harass me (I previously mentioned the correlation between race/class and street harassment in regards to perceptions of patriarchal power.) An exception would be the time where a wealthy 75-year-old White man tried to solicit sex from me while I was shopping just as he was in a Whole Foods store. He described the sex act that he wanted and offered to pay some of my graduate school tuition. I just walked away as the two White women in the same aisle laughed. (Before his conversation devolved, he asked if I were a student. The conversation started normally, not the way most street harassment does where the verbal assault is immediate and aggressive.)

Very rarely has a Black man who is alone, with other Black men or with other male friends/co-workers (especially White ones; some Black men love the White audience witnessing them degrading me—a manifestation of internalized White supremacist thought and patriarchy) allowed me to pass by without street harassment. It’s so predictable that I try to pre-plan my escape route. My whole day is based on ducking, dodging, avoiding and trying to have as peaceful day as possible.

I lose time, sense of peace and more when my mind is on what aisle, store, street to cross to avoid, what prop to have with me to hopefully deter it and the general thought of the avoidance of the pending unpleasantness and potential threat. I’ve skipped visiting certain barber shops (when I wore my hair super short), restaurants, flea markets, stores and events solely based on how many men would be there. I don’t go to clubs anymore and I’ve never really been to a bar—solely to try avoid this hell.

The same Black men who seem insistent about the non-existence of male privilege are the ones who can live their lives without having to do any of what I mentioned above. (Worse, some view harassment as “normal” male behavior and assert that any Black woman who doesn’t rationalize it as such must have a bad relationship with her father or is fatherless.) And though Black men face the oppression of Prison Industrial Complex in a way unmatched by anyone (though among women, Black women are overrepresented in Prison Industrial Complex and exploited as well), and consistent threat of police brutality, I’ve yet to meet a single one harassed by 75 cops in a single week when I have had plenty of weeks with as few (and I use the word “few” just for comparison; ten different men harassing me in a 7 day span isn’t a “few”) as 10 and as many as 75 instances (literally; I’ve counted; this isn’t hyperbole) of street harassment, including from repeat harassers. Demanded to smile; insulted if I were already smiling. Yelled at with sexually explicit comments or ones insulting my looks. Threatened with stalking/violence. Threatened with rape where the actual word “rape” was used. Had my pathway blocked. Books knocked out of my hands. Pushed. Groped. Spit at. Screamed at for White audiences. Followed around a downtown area. Stalked all the way home. Regularly. Often. For years. Decades.

If I avoid these men because of this, I’m called evil, manhater, bitter and paranoid. If I embrace the abuse I am called self-hating, thirsty and pathetic. If I fight back, through my words and actions, I’m called hateful, anti-Black and “gay” as a homophobic slur. If I were raped by one of them, it would be deemed my fault because that’s how America rolls in this victim-blaming rape culture. If I am deemed “ugly,” I’m expected to be “thankful” for the harassment as a “compliment.” If I am deemed “pretty,” I’m expected to “accept” that harassment is just a part of the “gift” of attractiveness. In no instance is a man ever held accountable for street harassment.

I speak of these experiences because so many Black women live them (and usually have since childhood or puberty) and are afraid to talk about them because of fear of The White Gaze, fear of being intraracially blamed for not quietly accepting abuse in the name of “racial unity,” or because they don’t even realize that this is not “normal” interaction between any man and woman of any race. They email me. They say/write “thank you for speaking up.” They say that they experience exactly the same and aren’t interested in sharing the truth so that Whites can pretend that misogyny is “a Black thing” (as they do with music, while ignoring the ways in which White supremacy and patriarchy work together to marginalize Black women) but because they want Black women’s voices to be heard.

The thing about discussing what Black women experience is that many White women come to silence us with “all women” rebuttals. However, street harassment is not experienced at the same frequency and intensity across the board. Race and class are factors. (Sexual orientation and being trans* are factors too.) While this is ignored by many middle class White women who want to dominate the discourse on…well anything in relation to women, other White women have shared with me that they have never experienced street harassment. I cannot imagine what “never” means. I’ve been harassed since I was 12. I am 33 now. Other White women have mentioned to me that they do experience harassment but quite rarely. They can’t fathom weeks with as many as 75 incidents.

One White intersectional feminist (Lucie Brooks) that’s a mutual follow on Twitter conducted an experiment, which she tweeted to me about:

This is amazing to me. Amazing. I would NEVER go for a run like this via this experiment and I explained why when I replied to her.

There is no way that I could exercise where I grew up or where I’ve lived in adulthood. I have to go to a different city (that I cannot afford to live in), secluded park area or gym (which I don’t like and isn’t affordable for me).

I find that the actual street harassment itself plus the mansplaning (i.e. “shut up,” “it’s not harassment,” “be flattered or else,” or victim blaming from men) and Whitesplaining (i.e. “oh, only Black men do that,” “misogyny is only among Blacks,” “well White men are nice to me and I’m White” or victim blaming from Whites) or the common White feminist response (of pretending that Black men or White men street harass them at the same frequency, start at the same age, or of the same intensity as Black women, and silencing any conversation about difference via the “oppression” olympics” label or by dominating the discourse in general and painting it as Black men harassing White women as the key issue) to be genuinely awful and tiring. This is why having an honest and nuanced conversation about it with a White intersectional feminist (tweets above) was refreshing.

I’ve been an escape artist for a long time, actually. So much of what I do, where I go and how I spend my time is based on avoidance of unwanted human contact via racial microaggressions, in general, but avoidance of virulent street harassment, specifically.

I’m tired.