I knew that this day was coming, so while it probably will seem like a surprise to some readers (I bet it doesn’t to the ones who really really read what I write), it is not a surprise to me. It is time for Gradient Lair to come to a close. An end. Everything has a beginning and an end and this space is no exception. I don’t mean an “end” such that I think what I’ve written here and accomplished with this space doesn’t matter. It matters to me. It matters to so many Black women who have told me so over the years. It matters to other people as well who recognize who and what this space is about, and respect this specificity, but still engage respectfully and dynamically. 

The price that I have paid (and still paying…) for creating and making Gradient Lair what it has become has been a very high price, and high in ways (i.e. rape threats, death threats, stalking, plagiarism, erasure, vile hyperconsumption without regard to safety, libel) that most people cannot fathom unless they’re in the same hypervisible, consistently exploited social position. Truthfully, this is only going to be handful of Black women and other women of colour who know what I mean here; acutely and intersectionally. However, despite not knowing what I mean, some of you are still kind, do care, and have been interesting to speak to (and for some, get to know) in these 3.5 years that Gradient Lair has existed. 

The time has come for me to move on; it came a while ago but I was trying to decide when to speak about it. However, after a series of mainstream media articles rolled out all summer long and now into autumn, using but not citing my years of work/framing on misogynoir (i.e. people will name that Moya Bailey coined the term [if even that] which she did, but plagiarize my years of specific framing and writing on it), post-mortem media violence (i.e. they don’t use my term, but they lift the entire framing regularly) and self-care (i.e. magically a slew of particular activism and self-care posts popped up after mine and my tweets on it, but framed similarly to mine), for example, I just feel exhausted. And this is just this summer and autumn; I don’t mean what I have dealt with over years and years from some journalists, activists, academics and writers on a plethora of topics and discourses here and on my Twitter. I just got tired and decided that I should simply announce this today. I need to break free. Developing this space is no longer freeing to me, and it barely ever was…maybe only the first 8-9 months of the total 3.5 years. I don’t want to continue to play this vile game of guess the plagiarist; guess the eraser; guess the troll; guess the abuser. I am not interested in this. I recently turned 36 years old; I am older than most of you who use this platform to blog/share on. I am…really tired. I was doing the kind of work that I do long before Ferguson. Long before I even made Gradient Lair. I’m human though. No, really. And, I’m tired. It’s time to go.

Unless I decide to return to sharing personal essays here—which is very unlikely as the hypervisibility and attacks that I experience in this particular space make this undesirable—this will be my last essay here. Recently a lot of womanists reached out to me and said that I am why they call themselves “womanists;” that they learned from me originally (or from what I shared; re: Alice Walker) though there are so many variant pathways, of course; that they wanna thank me. That’s more than enough for me. Those replies are a gift. Fundraisers I saw through? An honor to work on. New ideas explored? An emotional and intellectual adventure to experience. Constructive criticism from better writers? Wonderful to learn from. Additionally, I explored some unresolved things within myself and though constantly under attack on a daily basis, I still experienced some healing and some clarity on things that I never thought that I would understand about myself let alone resolve. I don’t have any regrets in this regard. I am simply ready to move on. This is not the fault of any of the awesome people that I have connected with nor is it actually only about the violence experienced either. It’s time to move on either way.

I still write. I wrote before I made this space. I still make art. I was an artist before I made this space. I have changed since 2012 when I created this space; I know myself better and I am grateful for that. I am still me though. I was upset earlier today when I started to discuss what has been happening this year (and every year) in terms of abuse, but to be honest, I feel very light right now and relieved with this end; writing this essay. I’m…kinda happy? My life didn’t start with this space nor will it end with this space. I look forward to the next chapter of my political thought and creative life. Please take care and thank you for reading, sharing, respecting, and caring.❤

Information:

Digital anthologies:

As I mentioned on @GradientLair in my final tweets there, some writing from the blog will be put together in digital anthologies for easier access and will exist independently of the blog. I won’t make a new blog post about this when they’re ready, but you can periodically check this link for updates: gradientlair.com/anthology. These take quite a bit of design, writing, photography, editing, etc. work to bring into existence.

As of 2018, the anthology project is suspended indefinitely. It is not worth the risk or harassment; I apologize. I tried, but the same problems I faced when I closed Gradient Lair became worse after. Not worth the plagiarism, exploitation, erasure and harassment related to this work. Those who supported anthology development will still see some results, just not these anthologies.

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Citing/quoting the writing here:

The Content Use Policy is still in effect for any content that I allow to remain accessible.

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Accessing Gradient Lair:

The blog will remain live on Tumblr and remain publicly accessible. However, I will not be checking the Activity Feed much, and I won’t check the Messages or Ask Box anymore (the latter will be disabled tomorrow). To contact me (and not to ask for content; again, read the Policy for that) for other reasons, you can tweet me at @thetrudz. I will still maintain the blog/domain/other technical type stuff. The @GradientLair Twitter account will remain and from there I will announce when any anthology is ready. 

The blog is moving to a more “low tech” format in 2018. Some links will remain; some will not. Content will not be accessible from the home page.

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Support the years of work here and future maintenance: 

If you want to support the years of work–which is still accessed daily all over the world; the research, curating, writing, analyzing, assisting with/building new discourses that I have done here–that it took to make Gradient Lair what it is and/or support the upkeep/maintenance, please DONATE: (PayPal | Cash.me). I appreciate it. Be well.❤

You can ethically engage my current work here, if interested:

• Patreon 
• Cinemacked / @Cinemacked
• Drift Sojourn / @driftsojourn
• Instagram: biz - driftsojourn | personal - thetrudz
• thetrudz.com